Another Brutal Bible Quiz…

The Bible ain’t as boring as you think that it might be
Most people don’t read much of it they’d rather watch TV.
But with pants to bury, poo to burn and toes and ears to slice
It’s probably far more interesting and really not as nice
As you once thought it was. It’s scary and funny as well
It’s full of fighting, death and gore, and some bits would really smell.
So take a second look at the rather good old book.
There are daring tales galore and it’s full of guts and gore…
Honest.
No Kidding.

Gigantic Genesis

1. What wedding present did Jacob’s father-in-law give him?

a/ An extra wife?
b/ The wrong wife?
c/ A toaster?
d/ No wife at all?

Answer:

Well kind of a and b. But mostly b. Jacob managed somehow to marry the wrong wife entirely. Laban tricked him. Jake went through the vows and the handshaking bit and the ‘you may now kiss the bride bit’ and everything and somehow only realised he’d married Leah instead of Rachel when he woke up the morning after. Should have gone to Specsavers. (Genesis 29)

 

2. If you seduced a daughter of Jacob (son of Isaac, son of Abraham, son of Terah who came from… er… Ur…) what was the punishment?

a/ lose your eye?
b/ lose your marbles?
c/ lose a sensitive flap of skin off the end of your finger?
d/ lose a sensitive flap of skin off the end of your… you know.. man bit?


Answer… yes you guessed it – it’s d/ the man bit one. Don’t go expecting to get off with the hottie from Jake’s house unless you’re ready for your whole town to get the end of their joysticks communally hacked… closely followed by all their other bits. A cunning plan. (Genesis 34)
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Juicy Judges
1. What did King Adoni-bezek once have under his table?
a/ 70 wild rats running around on his carpets?

b/ 70 dogs with human bones in their mouths?
c/ 70 kings with their thumbs cut off?
d/ 70 wives with their heads cut off?

Answer – none of the above – although you’re close enough if you picked answer c/ Actually he had 70 kings with their thumbs and their big toes cut off. Nice. Kings were friendly in those days. And we thought The Queen was a bit vicious for running away to Scotland and not talking to the papers after Princess Diana died. (Judges 1)

2. What sort of holiday should you not go on in the book of Judges?

a/ camping?
b/ wine making?
c/ lion wrestling?
d/ honey gorging?


Answer… well certainly not camping. You might get a tent peg through the skull, thanks to the lovely Jael. (Judges 4) Lion wrestling and honey gorging is fine if you’ve got long hair, an attitude problem and you’re a spoilt brat called Samson (Judges 14). Wine making is okay too, just don’t get caught napping by an angel with war on his mind. (Judges 6,7 & 8)

3. Which of the following was not a Biblical assassin?

a/ Samson
b/ Ehud
c/ Tola
d/ Gideon

Answer… Never heard of Tola? Well, maybe that’s because he never bumped anyone off. All the others? Yep. Samson killed anything that moved. (Judges 13-16) Ehud brought a message from God for king Eglon – i.e. he sliced open his guts. (Judges 3) Gideon topped a couple of guys for killing his brothers.(Judges 8)


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Katastrophic Kings
1. How did King David hear from God? Did he…
a/ fast and pray for 40 days?

b/ roll a couple of dice and see how they landed?
c/ ask forty priests what they thought?
d/ play rock/scissors/paper?

Answer – he rolled a couple of ‘dice’ called urim and thummim. They were first issued to Aaron to determine God’s will, they were worn in an apron called a linen ephod. And David got the priest Abiathar to bring the ephod for him. Not sure if the Apron had a map of Cornwall on it, or maybe it was black and white with a slogan advertising Guinness on it, or maybe a hand-drawn picture of his classmates when he was 9. (1 Samuel 23 & 30)
2. What was wrapped up and hidden with the linen ephod at one point?
a/ the sling David used to kill Goliath?
b/ the sword Goliath used to kill lots of people?

c/ the jawbone Samson used to kill?
d/ the spade used to muck out Noah’s ark?

Answer – Goliath’s sword. David took it for himself when he found it. (1 Samuel 21)
3.What was the name of the city where David found Goliath’s sword?

a/ Nub?
b/ Nab?
c/ Nob?
d/ Nib?

Answer – Nob. No comment. (1 Samuel 21)
4. How did David escape from king Achish?

a/ Wetting his pants and singing out of tune?
b/ Scraping his nails on doors and dribbling out of his mouth?
c/ Picking his own toes and eating it?
d/ Dancing round in his loin cloth?

Answer – by scratching at doors and dribbling over his beard David pretended he was mad and King Achish thought he had enough madmen kicking around already so he kicked him out. People had been saying that David was a celebrated king and he was scared King Achish would top him. (1 Samuel 21)


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Pitiful Prophets

What was the best way to get heard in the Old testament?

a/ do a striptease?
b/ become a mime artist?
c/ bury your knickers?
d/ set fire to your poo?


Answer… all of the above! Want to be a prophet? Then get ready to strip off, burn your droppings, impersonate Mr Bean and stuff your boxers in a very large hole in the ground. You have to feel sorry for Isaiah, Jeremiah and Ezekiel. Any wannabe prophets out there? It’s a tough job and you need a pretty big drawer full of drawers.

Coming Soon…

Extreme Exodus

Cataclysmic Chronicles

Peculiar Poets
Gruesome Gospels
Epic Epistles
Rockin’ Revelation

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