Dave Hop A little bit mad, a little bit anarchic, but hopefully unexpected and engaging…
(If you missed part three, click here)
Part Four: The Bit with the Beanstalk
The spit-covered man ran up and down the aisles yelling, ‘Repent, repent! Change your ways!’ Until he eventually ran out of puff, and stood gasping with his hands on his hips. He was wearing a t-shirt which was half-chewed and had the name Jonah’s Fetid Fish Bar scribbled across it. The big fish spurted out another spray of water, this one littered with car number plates, old tyres, dead kippers, a few used nappies, a bit of the Titanic, half a shopping trolley and some burger cartons; then it slid up behind the spit-covered man and opened his mouth really wide to swallow him. The fish’s breath smelt really bad and everyone in church said, ‘Poo!’ Fourteen people fainted from the stink and two ten-year-olds tipped out their Fruit Shoot bottles and tried to capture the stench in them so they could take the smell to school and release it in their English lesson. ‘Which way is Ninevah?’ Jonah (the spitty man) asked, ‘I’ve got to go and tell them they’ve lost the plot.’ Folks had no idea but they were so fed up of the smell that they pretended they did know and pointed in all different directions. Just to get rid of the spitty man. ‘What about you lot?’ Jonah said, ‘Have you lost the plot tooooo….ulp!’ Just then the fish swallowed him, stood up on its tail, pulled on a sequenced dress from nowhere and shimmied gracefully back up the aisle as if it was tying to win Strictly Come Dancing.
There was a whoosh and a burp and the whale nose-dived back into the Bible. Squeezing its way past a slimy green plant which had started to grow up out of the Bible. ‘It’s a beanstalk!’ yelled an educationally advanced three-year-old, as the plant snaked all the way up to the gargoyles high up in the rafters. The children hanging upside down by their shoe laces up there grabbed the plant and slithered down it, getting covered in green fly as they came back to solid ground. Their mothers gave them all big welcome back to earth hugs, once they had dusted off the cobwebs and sprayed the green fly. The plant sprouted pretty yellow, blue, tartan and union jack flowers and everyone said, ‘Ooh and ahh!’ and ‘Aren’t they lovely?’ and ‘I want a clipping for my auntie’s garden!’ and ‘What’s the Latin name for that plant?’ and ‘Can we make a veggie stew out of that… ‘until the flowers wilted and faded and collapsed in a squidgy, putrid mess on top of everyone. Then the people got really huffy and didn’t do anything about anything, they just pouted until their lips looked like slabs of red wobbly jelly, and then they rolled over, plumped their pillows and went back to sleep. With the rotting beanstalk draped all over them. The priest sighed and wondered, while Jed and Yolanda slipped out and went home to make another batch of Fun Dust… (to be continued)
Click here for part five.
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