Dave Hop A little bit mad, a little bit anarchic, but hopefully unexpected and engaging…
(If you missed part two, click here)
Part Three: The Bit about the Fish
Jed and Yolanda sighed. A week had gone by and if anything things were worse. The sound of snoring filled the air, like the sound of a dozen chainsaws. There were more hammocks than ever and a couple of people had even brought along their teenagers in sleeping bags.
Jed looked at Yolanda and they both nodded, it was time for another bonkernuts moment. It was time for another sprinkling of Fun Dust. Yolanda tipped some into her hand and blew on it so that the specks flew far and wide over the heads of the inactive church folks.
Nothing happened for quite a while, then one particular speck of dust floated down, till it encountered the whistling snore of a woman in the back row, which blew it back up high into the air and onto the back of a passing moth who carried it for a while then dropped it into the open mouth of a yawning boy, who then choked on it and sneezed it out and onto the cheek of his mother. She flicked it away, bounced it off a nearby candlestick, and up high into the mouth of a scary gargoyle where it stuck for three seconds before it dropped through space and fell smack onto page something or other of the huge Bible on the lectern at the front of the church.
For a moment all was quiet, then a massive spurt of fish flavoured water shot up out of the Bible spraying everyone in the first four rows. Those who were snoring with their mouths open got a tasty mouthful, grimaced, blurted the water out, and made a lot of fuss about it. But no one noticed, because following the spurt of water a soggy man came shooting out of the Bible covered in fish spit, half-digested food and stomach acid. He yelled as he flew up into the air and woke up all those who were still sleeping. Those in hammocks fell out with a yowl and a crash. Four old men at the back woke up so suddenly their false teeth shot out and landed down the necks of four old ladies in front of them. The spit covered Bible guy landed meanwhile in the aisle, and shouted, ‘Quick! Repent!’ and started tearing round the church at 37 ½ miles an hour. A few folks pulled out dictionaries to find out what repent actually meant. But they didn’t get too far with that as a second spurt of water drenched them all and their dictionaries as a giant, stinking fish flew out of the Bible. The grumpy creature did a triple somersault in the air and cartwheeled down the aisle, chasing after the spit covered man, and making chomping sounds as it tried to swallow anything that got in the way. It swallowed a bunch of dead flowers, fourteen kneelers and a pile of cracked green cup and saucers all in one mouthful. A couple who tried to take a selfie with the fish disappeared into its mouth before you could say ‘Instagram’ and a clutch of seven year olds who jumped on its back shouting ‘Finding Nemo’ flew up into the church rafters on top of another spurt of water, and found themselves dangling by their shoelaces from the spiky teeth of the dusty gargoyles. Things were getting so noisy and chaotic nobody in church could get any sleep at all, this really wasn’t how a harmless, docile Sunday in church was supposed to be. Jed and Yolanda high-fived each other and wondered what on earth might happen next, while the priest at the front scratched his head with a half-smile on his face… (to be continued)
(To read part four, click here)
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