The Monday Rewrite: The Joy of Tabs

(Adapted from an original piece by Colin Smith)

Genesis 1: 26-30

‘Look,’ says God, ‘it’s not that complicated. It really isn’t. Believe me, you’ll get to like it.’
On an impulse he reaches across and gently, but firmly, snaps Adam’s jaw shut.
‘It’s really important,’ he says, ‘believe it or not, the future hangs on it.’
Adam stares at the diagram again, twists and turns it in his hands to try and make sense of the sketch.
‘Huh?’ he says, ‘I don’t know if I can.’

God sighs and turns to the companion he’s just created for the man.
‘You can help him Eve, can’t you? You get the picture, don’t you?’
Turning back to Adam he says, ‘I’ve endowed Eve with a little more… er understanding of the… er… mechanics of it all.’
‘But Lord,’ says Adam, clearly pained by all this, ‘I just need some clearer guidelines.’ He takes God aside and mutters out of the side of his mouth, ‘I don’t suppose you could see your way to writing some simple instructions on the diagram. Something a little more obvious for me to understand? Maybe?’

God ponders this.
‘Hmm, all right,’ he appears to gain sudden inspiration. Quickly he scribbles a note on the picture – a title. ‘That’s what it’s called.’
‘The… what Position?’
‘Missionary, Adam. It refers to a whole bunch of people I’ll need to create much later on. Now, there, how’s that?’
He motions towards the labels he’s just added.

Adam’s face lights up.
‘Ah, you see that’s better. That’s what I meant. Just a few clear, straightforward guidelines. Now I get it. Insert Tab A into Hole B. No problem.’

Later…

‘So Adam, how did it go then?’
Adam, grinning broadly. ‘That was a brilliant t idea! How on earth did you think that up?’
‘So it wasn’t so bad?’
‘Bad? It was the happiest moment of my life, which admittedly has been short so far.’
‘So you managed to enjoy it then.’
‘Don’t blame me for that – it was your idea.’

‘I’m not blaming you for anything Adam. I’m just relieved you sorted out Tab A and Hole B. Oh by the way – I think I forgot to mention something.’
‘What?’
‘The consequences.’
‘The consequences?’
‘Yes. What you might call cause and effect. You see when you do the Tab A/Hole B thing, quite often – you’ll get Product C.’

‘Product C? What’s that?’
‘Another you.’
‘Another me? But I’ve got another me. Eve.’
‘No. Listen. It’s called the er… how can I say this… well… you know the Birds and the Bees?’
‘Yea – I thought of those names. Insects that shouldn’t technically fly cause their bodies are too big and creatures that can deposit excrement from a great height.’
‘Yes. Well, basically… come here Adam. Let me draw another diagram for you.’

(extract from Pulp Gospel by D Hopwood)

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