Monday Rewrite: The Big Day

An angel is on the phone. A second one enters.

Hold the phone, it’s off again.

What? (He lowers the phone)

Cancelled. Well, postponed.

You’re kidding.

Nope.

Not again. But this is the 14,573rd time we’ve had to stop everything. I’ve got 6 billion flyers printed and ready to go. WITH THE DATE ON!

Well, can you use them for something else? Like wall paper or notepaper, or… or loo paper. Oh no, we don’t need loos up here do we…

Are you sure about this, I mean there’s a bloke in Milton Keynes who’s absolutely adamant it was today. And a woman in Texas concurred. It had gone viral. It was all over Facebook and Twitter and YouTube. They were pretty sure down there on that tiny planet. Spielberg, Lucas and Jackson are topping the box office with a movie version. And One Direction are number one with a song about it.

Yes well, they’ve been pretty sure hundreds of times over the last two thousand years. And look – we’re still waiting.

What about the catering though? I’d booked 25 million ice cream vans and twice that number of hot dog stands. Plus 27,000 jugglers.

Jugglers?

Yea, to entertain the crowd as they queue up to meet him. It’ll be a long wait surely.

Don’t think so, it’ll happen in the blink of an eye. And every one’ll see him at once.

Oh, so there’s no call for 15 million wide screen cinema screens then, you know to broadcast it live?

Nope. And I doubt you’ll need those flyers. When it happens – it’ll be obvious.

What about the warm up band? I’d booked the heavenly choir to play a few numbers, you know – Here Comes the Son, No More Knocking on Heaven’s Door, Heaven Isn’t a Place on Earth… that sort of thing.

Cancel the lot.

When will it be then? Come on, give us a clue, you move in some big circles, you must know?

No. I’ve told you. None of us know. Not here, not on planet earth, not in some far flung corner of the universe. Doesn’t matter how much people claim to have seen it in the skies, or read it in the papers, or discovered it in a Christian paperback. Even He doesn’t know. And if He doesn’t know you can bet your non-existent wings that a man in Milton Keynes doesn’t know either.

What about a woman in Texas?

No! No, no, no. No one knows. Only His Father.

(Sighs and nods) Right, well I’ll sort it then. AGAIN. I’ll have to call and cancel the ambulance people, the stewards, the police AGAIN… all the legal forms will be wasted, they were dated for today. It wasn’t like this when he was on earth, you know. No health and safety to worry about when he was feeding 5000 people. Just happened. We didn’t do a risk assessment when those four guys ripped up his roof to get their friend healed. We didn’t need insurance when he went walking on water…

They exit, looking frustrated

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