Monday Rewrite: Two Lost ePistles (from the Dead Sea iParchment)

31. Saul

1 Samuel chapter 18

from
thefirstandonlyking@totallyabsolutelyunequivocallyincharge.dontanswerback
to
thepeople@stopsingingthatstupidsong.bownow

To you lot

I’m tired of people saying I’m double-minded. I see there was another post about it on FaceScroll this morning. This has got to stop. I know I was all over this new upstart for killing that giant, lovin’ the new kid in town, and then only days later I tried to spear him to the wall. But anyone can have an off day.

I admit I promised he could marry my daughter Merab, and then withdrew the offer at the last minute and married her to someone else. And I know that I then gave my other daughter Michal to David only to drag her away from him and give her to someone else before they’d even finished the wedding cake. But hey! He’d gone running off by then. He was out playing Jack the Lad in the wilderness with his band of outlaw brothers. He’d abandoned Michal anyway.

I know also that I welcomed David into my family with open arms and then tried to kill him. I chased him away, then forgave him, then tried to kill him again, and then forgave him again. It’s only what any decent king might do! Currently there is a warrant out for his arrest and a price on his head. Now some people might say that’s fickle, two faced and small minded.

But I don’t. I am the king! I am! And I can do what I like!

And for goodness sake, he stole my son and my daughter from me. They think he’s the dog’s business! He’s sickeningly good at everything he does, the women all fancy him and the number one song for the past sixteen weeks has been that pitiful ditty about how I’m not too bad but doleful Dave is pure awesomeness. Well enough!

I do not want to hear or see anyone else calling me the melodramatic mood swing monster. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not!!!!!!!!!! Not, not not!!!!!!!!!!! NOT!

Please forward this message to everyone you know.
Err…
On second thoughts, don’t.
Or maybe… do.
No, don’t.
Do.
Oh… whatever.

Saul (The best King ever – remember that)

+ + + + +

32. David

1 Samuel chapter 18 and Psalms 23, 119 and 139

from
rocknrollshepherd@kingsmusician.virginwoolrecords
to
lastofthejudges@retirement.ramah

Dear Samuel

I’m a bit concerned about this song everyone’s singing. The one about me killing tens of thousands of Philistines. For one thing, I haven’t. It’s nice of them to do it and at first it made me feel great and sound well cool. But it’s not really true, I just killed Goliath and a few guys in battle. You see, the other thing about it is it makes Saul look bad. And I don’t want that. I may be imagining it but sometimes, when they start up with the song again it’s like his face changes, and he stares at me with this real serious look. It’s not my fault, but I don’t know how to stop it. I want to serve the King I don’t want to undermine him. Everywhere we go they sing the song and it’s starting to make me feel well embarrassed. What can I do? I wish they’d sing it the other way round, you know – David’s decked a thousand but Saul has killed ten thousand. I’d be very happy with that. I’m worried it will make the king do something bad. It’s number one in the download charts and it’s been there for sixteen weeks now. It knocked Moses’ song off the top, that one that’s been there for years, the one about killing loads of Egyptians in the Red Sea.

I’m thinking about writing some new songs, so maybe people will start singing those instead. I thought I’d get a band together and we could do some numbers about how great God is rather than how great I am. And we could do some about how he’s killed our enemies, seeing as people really like that one Moses did.

I think I can get a gig in the bar in town. My brother Abinadab is a mean drummer and Eliab plays sax. My mate Jonathan can play bass and his sister Michal is a stunner on keyboards. I’ve written this number about God being our shepherd, helping us through dark valleys and feeding us with a banquet. It fits the tune of the Beatles All you need is love. Then there’s one about how God made us, and is always with us. You know sees us in the dark and the light, knows all about us. The tune’s a bit like that old classic White Christmas. And then there’s a really long number about how great God’s law is, all about his guidance and rules for good, healthy living. It’s like Bohemian Rhapsody crossed with Mr Bluesky and Stairway to Heaven and has a great guitar solo in the middle.

So what do you think? Do you see me having a career in song writing?

Cheers

Dave

 

(Taken from The Lost ePistles from the Dead Sea iParchment by Dave Hopwood)

If you've appreciated this, why not...

Share

Make a comment

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.