At Last! Song of Songs Explained

Many Christians are embarrassed about the presence of Song of Songs in the Bible, featuring as it does, so many earthy references. But fear not, Erasmus Perfifola the third has cracked Solomon’s code.

Erasmus says, ‘Just substitute the words drummer in place of vine, worship group’s mouths in place of blossoms and extended time of praise in place of pomegranates and it all makes sense and is a lot less embarrassing to read aloud in worship. So chapter 7 verse 12: “Let us see whether the vines have budded, whether the blossoms have opened, and whether the pomegranates are in flower…” now reads, “Let us see whether the drummer is sufficiently muffled behind six inch thick perspex, whether the worship group’s mouths are opening at the right time and in tune with each other, and whether the extended praise time is geeing people up enough.” You see, a lot more Christian and makes much more sense,’ says Erasmus.

He continues, ‘Likewise substitute hymn books for rounded thighs, PowerPoint presentation for navel, and this week’s sound person for belly and chapter 9 verses 1-3 changes from, “Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a skilled craftsman. Your navel is as delicious as a goblet filled with wine. Your belly is lovely, like a heap of wheat set about with lilies…” and now becomes, “Your news sheets are really well printed and the print is not too smudged, some of it is even readable. Your PowerPoint presentation is impressive and not too swirly. This week’s sound and visuals person is doing a great job, and even at times is bringing up the right words to the right songs at the right times.” Apply this principal to the whole of Song of Songs and it becomes a dissertation on the rights and wrongs of 21st Century church worship and really has absolutely nothing to do with sex whatsoever. Though I’ve yet to find a substitute for the word breasts.’

So says Erasmus Perfifiola the third, who will be speaking next month on the subject of No sex please we’re Christians at Spring Wine and Lee House.

(Taken from the satirical one and only edition of Halo! Magazine available via email from this website)

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