Monday Rewrite: The Josiah Kyle Show

Josiah Kyle walks on, suited, suave and confidently brash.

JOS. Today on the Josiah Kyle show we have a young couple in dire straits. Young Joe is worried, let me tell you. He’s been hearing rumours round the town. Rumours about his fiancé Mary. Let’s bring them on and see if there’s any truth in the gossip. Ladies and gentleman, a big hand for Mary and Joe. (Applause as they enter and take a seat)
JOS. Now, Mary, you claim that you have never even kissed another man?
MAR. That’s right.
JOS. And you’ve never been intimate with another man?
MAR. That’s right.
JOS. In fact, you claim you’ve never kissed any man. At all. Ever. Not even Joe here.
MAR. That’s right.
JOS. Hmm. (Thinks) And yet you Mary… and correct me if I’m wrong here… you say you’ve never even kissed a man and yet Mary – you’re pregnant!
(Gasps from the audience)
JOS. That’s right ladies and gents. This woman, who claims to be as pure as the driven snow, is with child!
MAR. How d’you know? Who told you?
JOS. Your cousin told us, she was only too happy to talk about your… situation. She’s excited about it. Well, she’s pregnant herself. We had her on the show last week, after her husband was so shocked about their pregnancy that he was struck dumb. She wasn’t though. She was very chatty, and your name came up. So, do you still claim you haven’t slept with someone?
MAR. Yes. Absolutely.
JOS. Even though the newspapers claim different?
MAR. Absolutely.
JOS. Even though your neighbours, many of them here in the audience, tell us otherwise?
MAR. Yes.
JOS. So it must be Joseph’s baby then?
MAR. No.
JOS. But if you haven’t been with anyone else… Look, make it easy on yourself. Wouldn’t it be better just to say that it is Joseph’s? He seems a nice enough chap. What have you got against him?
MAR. Nothing, I want to marry him. I love him.
JOS. Is he not good enough for you? Are you after someone richer?
MAR. No!
JOS. Someone cooler? Funnier? Better Looking?
MAR. No!
JOS. But… and again, correct me if I’m wrong… ladies and gentlemen he’s only gone and broken off the engagement.
(More gasps from the audience)
JOE. No I haven’t. I’m still thinking about it.
JOS. All right. Well, you both took a lie detector test earlier. How d’you think it’ll turn out Mary?
MAR. I’m telling the truth.
JOS. Joe, what do you think?
JOE. I don’t know what to think.
JOS. Well let’s see, I have the results in this envelope here. (He opens it.) Mary have you picked a name for the baby?
MAR. Yes. Jesus.
JOS. And if it’s a girl?
MAR. It’s a boy.
JOS. How can you be so sure? Have you had a scan?
MAR. No. I had a message. From an angel.
JOS. An angel! Oh this gets better and better. And what about poor Joe? He doesn’t get an angel.
JOE. Actually… I did.
JOS. You saw an angel too?
JOE. I had a dream. That’s why I’ve decided. I’ve made up my mind now. I’m not breaking off the engagement.
(More gasps from the audience)
JOS. Well, Joe, I can tell you this… (looks at the card) the results of the lie detector test… confirm that Mary is… telling the truth! (Even more gasps) Yes ladies and gentlemen, that’s what this show is all about. Getting to the truth! So you heard it first here. Mary hasn’t had any other relationships and yet somehow – she’s pregnant. Must be some kind of miracle. See you tomorrow when we’ll be meeting three very wise men, who claim they’ve seen a message in the stars about a whole new king. Join me and find out all about it.

End with audience applause.

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