Monday Rewrite: Peter’s Favourite Bible Readings

Intro: Today’s Bible reading is brought to you by our special guest − the apostle Simon Peter, who will read extracts from his successful life.
Simon Peter (walking on confidently and beginning to read from a Bible he carries):
One day as Jesus was speaking to people on the shore of the Sea of Galilee, he noticed two empty boats at the water’s edge. Stepping into one of the boats, Jesus asked Simon Peter, its owner, to push it out into the water. Then Jesus sat in the boat and taught the crowds from there. When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, ’Now go out where it’s deeper and let down your nets, and you will catch many fish.’ They did so and this time their nets were so full they began to tear! A shout for help brought their partners in the other boat, and soon both boats were filled with fish and on the verge of sinking. When Peter realised what had happened, he fell to his knees before Jesus and cried, ’Oh, Lord, please go away – I’m not a… good person, I’m… oh dear… too much of an awful, terrible sinner to…’
Ahem… actually you don’t want to hear about that. Let me try another reading. (Flips pages of Bible)
Ah yes! This is better. Jesus Walks on Water. This is an exciting one.
Jesus went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone. Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble on their boat far away from land, a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came to them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him, they screamed in terror, thinking he was a ghost. But Jesus spoke to them at once. ’It’s all right,’ he said. ’I’m here! Don’t be afraid.’ Then Peter called to him, ’Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you by walking on water.’ ’All right, come on then,’ Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water towards Jesus. He was walking confidently and steadily on the surface of the water, full of faith and trust, but then he looked around at the high waves, and he was… oh… absolutely terrified? He began to sink. And he screamed out, ’Help! Help! Save me!…’ Oh dear. Actually I don’t think you want to hear that one either. It’s not really very interesting.
(Flips pages of Bible hastily) Ah here we are. This is a really good one.
Then Jesus asked them, ’Who do you say I am?’ Simon Peter answered, (big smile at the audience) ’You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.’ Jesus replied, ’You are blessed, Simon and I’m telling you that you are called Peter – the Rock, and upon this rock I will build my church. I’m giving you the keys of the kingdom. ’ Then Jesus began to tell his disciples that he was going to Jerusalem, and there he would be killed, and raised on the third day. But Peter took him aside and put him straight. ’Heaven forbid, Lord,’ he said. ’This will never happen to you!’
Jesus turned to Peter and said, ’Get away from… me… Satan!!! You are a… dangerous trap to me. You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, and not from…’ (Panicking a bit) D’you know I’m sure there’s a good one here somewhere. (Flips pages of Bible) Err…. Hold on a minute… I’ll get there… Ah yes.
(Reads again) The guards lit a fire in the courtyard and sat around it, and Peter joined them there. A servant girl noticed him in the firelight and began staring at him. Finally she said, ’This man was one of Jesus’s followers!’
Peter stood up and boldly proclaimed, ’I don’t… even… know… the man…’ (Pause)
Oh dear. Here ends today’s lesson. (He pulls out his phone) Oh! I’ve got a text… from Jesus… he wants to go for a walk and a chat on the beach. Oh dear… hope it’s not about all these readings…
Peter walks off hastily.

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