Monday Rewrite: What’s the Point?

Cast:    Jeremy Pickonem [Jer]– a blunt interviewer; Professor Mulchmuch [Prof], Dr Spidlebury [Dr], Lady Dangleton [Lady] and Colonel Horatio T. Stockbroker the third [Col] – all pompous experts

Jer.      Good evening, I’m Jeremy Pickonem, welcome to tonight’s edition of What’s the Point? Tonight we are discussing the heart of the Christian faith, the one thing that makes it unique, the very essence of the religion. Professor Mulchmuch, you’re a big shot what d’you think?

Prof.    Well, Jeremy, I have it here with me in fact, the absolute essence of Christianity – a cup from the wedding at Cana. This is the core of the faith.

Jer.      (Frowns) I see. Dr Spidlebury?

Dr.       No, in fact I’ve got it with me, a crust of bread, fossilized from the feeding of the 5000.

Jer.      And you Lady Dangleton?

Lady.   Well these two obviously don’t know what they’re talking about because I have it here, a fragment from the shroud of Turin. The very garment used to wrap the body of Christ.

Jer.      What about you Colonel Horatio T. Stockbroker the third?

Col.     I’m in fact wearing it – (Raises his leg) – this sandal found by lake Galilee.

Jer.      A sandal?

Col.     Yes, it could well have belonged to Jesus, there’s a good chance that he dropped it when he leapt into a fishing boat, or even when he walked on the water.

Jer.      So, you couldn’t exactly say you’re all of one mind here?

All.      (They all talk rapidly over one another, repeating these phrases) It’s this ancient cup… It’s this fossilized bread… It’s the piece of shroud… It’s this well-worn sandal!

Jer.      All right all right. Quiet! Shut up!  I have a question for you, surely all of these artefacts would have no significance whatsoever if it wasn’t for one man?

All.      What? Sorry? What d’you mean? Not with you old boy. Er… say again?

Jer.      Jesus! The Man from Nazareth. The Son of God. Surely even you lot can see he must at the centre of all this?

(They all turn to the audience and freeze looking baffled. Jeremy sighs and shakes his head)

Jer.      (To audience, baffled and frowning) Good night.

(He exits)

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