Monday Rewrite: Jesus on Dragons’ Den

Voiceover: Our first entrepreneur on tonight’s show is one Jesus Son-of-Joseph. He has a novel idea for catering and hopes to get a dragon or two eating out of the palm of his hand.

Jesus. Hello Dragons, my name is Jesus and I have a plan to hold a food event for a large group of people.
Sarah. For how many?
Jesus. Five…
Sarah. Just five. That’s not many…
Jesus. …thousand. Five thousand.
Debra. Five thousand! With what?
Jesus. Bread and fish.
Peter. That’s a lot of people. How much will it cost you?
Jesus. Er… let me see… (counts on his fingers) …nothing.
Sarah. Nothing? I’ve launched various restaurants and eating venues in my time and I can assure you it will cost you a little more than nothing.
Peter. How much do you forecast you’ll make? At least it’ll all be profit.
Jesus. Er… well… as far as I can tell…
Peter. Yes?
Jesus. Nothing.
Sarah. Nothing?
Jesus. Yes that’s right, nothing.
Debra. So let’s get this straight, you’re going to source your business out of what? Thin air? And having done this, you’re not going to make a penny?
Jesus. Well… the food will be free.
Peter. No cost?
Jesus. Oh yes, there’s a cost.
Sarah. (Sighs) How many times do you plan on doing this?
Jesus. Probably just once more.
Sarah. To another five thousand?
Jesus. No probably a few less.
Debra. Thank goodness for that.
Jesus. Yes, probably just four thousand this time.
Debra. Let me guess, out of thin air again.
Jesus. You could put it that way.
Peter. And that’ll be free too?
Jesus. That’s right.
Peter. I hate to say this but you’re a hopeless businessman.
Debra. No wait a minute Peter, he said there is a cost. What investment are you after from us?
Jesus. Ah yes, good point. Let me see… (counts on his finger) 20… 30… 40… (thinks) 100%.
Debra. 100%?!
Jesus. That’s right, everything. I’m here to invite you to the party, free food, new friends, a fresh start. But… it will cost everything. Would you like to go to the wall for a few minutes and have a think about it?
Peter. That’s what we say to you!
Jesus. Oh I’ve already thought, I’ve decided, I’m giving 100%.
Sarah. To who?
Jesus. To you. For you. Here, here’s a sample of the bread and fish. Try and it, and if you like it, think about coming to the event.
Debra. Where did you get all this food from all of a sudden? You came in with nothing.
Jesus. Yes, well spotted. Came in with nothing, take nothing away. I’ve got to go now, got a wedding to cater for, 180 gallons of the best wine. So… sorry but, I’ve got to slip off – and  for that reason – I’m out. Goodnight.

Jesus leaves, with nothing.

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