Monday Rewrite: Simon Peter on Would I Lie To You

Cast: Rob (the presenter), Simon Peter (the disciple) and James, Joanna and Paul (the panellists)

Rob: Our next round is called ‘This is my…’ where we bring on a mystery guest who has a connection with one of our panellists. This week each of James’s team will claim it’s them that has the genuine connection and you the audience have to guess which panellist is telling the truth. So please welcome this week’s guest Simon Peter from Galilee.
Peter walks on.
Rob: So, James, first of all, what is Peter to you?
James: This is Simon Peter, and a friend had to rescue him when he sank in the sea because he tried to walk on water.
Rob: And Joanna?
Joanna: This is Simon Peter, and I was working as a servant girl in the high priest’s house when he broke in one night.
Rob: And Paul?
Paul: This is Simon Peter, and I had to tell him off when he refused to eat lunch with some of my friends.
Rob: James, tell us about this walking on water incident.
James: Well. Me and some mates went out fishing at night and this huge storm blew up.
Rob: Must have been terrifying.
James: It was, but not as terrifying as when we saw a ghost coming towards us out of the storm!
Rob: A ghost!
James: Well, we thought it was a ghost, but it was actually Jesus, walking on water, and that’s when Peter thought he’d have a go. Should have gone to Specsavers – that water was way too rough for taking a stroll.
Rob: And too watery as well presumably!
James: Sank like a stone, Jesus had to help him to the boat and we all pulled him in.
Ron: Joanna, what’s this about Peter breaking in?
Joanna: He snuck into the high priest’s garden when Jesus was on trial for his life. I spotted him and asked him if he was friendly with the Jesus. You should have seen his face. Poor chap looked terrified.
Rob: Did you threaten him with a lethal weapon?
Joanna: No, I offered him a vol-au-vent. I was just making conversation. Poor chap looked like he’d seen a ghost.
Rob: Not another ghost!
Joanna: No, not really. In the end he ran off sobbing. Don’t know what got into him.
Rob: All right, and Paul. What was this about having to set Peter straight?
Paul: Well it was a nasty business. We were trying to pass on the good news about Jesus and what he’d done for us, to people from other cultures. Peter started off all right then he panicked and decided he couldn’t cope. So I had to remind him that he’d had a vision from God telling him that he should reach out across the boundaries.
Rob: A vison? Not another ghost?
Paul: No! A blanket full of geckoes and robins, the kind of snack food we wouldn’t normally touch. But it was a metaphor, to tell him to mix with strangers who had come from other places.
Rob: So, what’s the answer? Is Peter James’s glugging friend? Is he Joanna’s blubbing house-breaker? Or is he Paul’s non-munching dinner guest? (Pause, look at audience) Simon Peter, will you reveal your true identity?
Peter: My name’s Simon Peter and I’m all three. I sank when I tried to walk on water, I denied knowing my friend Jesus, and I was reluctant to eat with folks from other places. I’m guilty as charged.
Rob: Oh dear.
Peter; It’s okay though. I’ve been given a fresh start. I’m guilty, I admit – but I’m forgiven. I can start again…

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