News presenter: ‘We go over live now to Colin Cribbage at the sight of the discovery.’
Reporter: ‘Thank you Kirsty, yes I’m here at what might well be the discovery of the century. Behind me is the dig where, for the last three months, teams of archaeologists have been scraping and brushing and dusting away to unearth what might possibly be the remnants of the Christmas manger, the animal trough where the baby Jesus first slept when he was born. Somehow strangely preserved. Most folk thought there would be nothing left to find, but amazingly there is a frame, still intact, and bits of a first century mobile toy, that must have been suspended somehow above the manger. Fragments of a jar that may have held some Myrrh have also been unearthed, though some think it may actually have contained first century chutney.
Toy models of the manger are already in the pipeline, Toys-R-Us, Halfords, Superdrug, Tesco, Harrods and most cathedral shops will have them on the shelves in time for Christmas. The Great British Bake Off winner is working on an edible version, hopefully without a tough crust or soggy bottom, and a team are due on Dragons’ Den with a proposal to set up a spin-off global merchandising business. Disney/Pixar are working on a movie version, Finding Jesus, and we’re assured they have plans for a stage musical next year.
What does this mean for the rest of us? Well, Brian Air are offering cheap flights linked with a site-by-site Chigley Tour for next spring. Free tickets are available for a few lucky Lottery winners who have four numbers or more on each week’s lottery draw up to Christmas. You’ll be able to stand here and see for yourself what I’m looking at right now, a few bits of wood from the first century. You’ll be able to take a selfie with the manger, whilst munching some local Kentucky Fried Turkey and looking forward to a night out at the newly developed string of casinos and festive theme parks. I’m told that Manger Town has already been granted planning permission. There was a young couple with a new baby in temporary residence on the site but I’m assured they’ll find somewhere else to stay. They say this is the one place on earth where it really will be Christmas every day. Back to you Kirsty.’