Monday Rewrite: Celebrity Jesus

An executive is on the phone to Jesus.

Hello,  is that Jesus of Nazareth? It is, great, well I’m contacting you now because I don’t think you are making the most of your business potential. Well, you have quite an audience out there don’t you? So if you dropped in a few adverts next time you did your Sermon on the Mount routine, say in between mercy and persecution, you could make quite a bit of cash you know. There are hundreds of potential clients out there just waiting for the opportunity to share in your success and reach your followers. Only twenty seconds of an advert here and there, people switch off after that. Plus I think you could be getting a lot more followers actually. If you encouraged people to share your parable posts more you know, and tell them to say they like you a bit more. We could have you up in the millions in no time. I mean we’re talking huge success here. Businesses would be banging on your door to promote their products. Well, you’d just have to wear their clothes, and mention their products every so often.  You’d be up there with the top celebrities. You’re missing so many opportunities to inflate your success. What d’you mean what is success? It’s obvious isn’t it? Popularity, money, influence, fame. You’re on the verge of the whole shebang here. Me? Why are you asking about me? I’m talking about the world, setting you up with a global brand. What do I think about what? You? Oh, you’re a nice enough chap. I haven’t paid too much attention to be honest… My priorities? Oh well the usual things. Try and make a good living. And do I try and behave myself, I know you’re hot on all that. What? It’s not about behaving? Following? Yes, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. You’re missing out here. You could have billions of followers. Billions! You’d break all global records. Why are you so bothered about me? I’m just one person. Don’t worry about me… you are concerned about me? Look, Jesus, I have targets to reach here. If you’re not gonna take this up I have other people to call. Just think about my invitation here. Sure, and I’ll think about your invitation too. Why d’you keep asking me what success looks like? I’ve already told you, haven’t I? What do you think it looks like? Really? No… I’ve not heard it put like that before.  Let me write that down a minute. Gaining the world but losing your soul. Hmm. It’s not the most lucrative strapline. Full life? Yea, I’d be up for that. Okay. I’ll think it over. Bye for now.

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