Monday Rewrite A christening service is well underway in a local church.
Vicar: I christen this child… excuse me, how many siblings does she have?
Mum: Three.
Vicar: Great! I christen this child… Number Four.
Dad: No! NO! That’s not right… she’s not a number!
Vicar: Sorry. Sorry. My mistake. Forgive me. I christen this baby… Ten Pounds Six Ounces…
Dad: No! Not her weight either.
Vicar: Well… have you got a tape measure?
Mum: Don’t be daft.
Vicar: No. Of course not. I’ll just guess. I name this child 24 Inches. Or would you prefer centimetres?
Dad: We don’t want measurements. She’s not her size! Please!
Vicar: I do apologise. Sorry, on we go. I name this child Pink Babygro With Blue Cardigan.
Mum: She’s not her clothes either. She’s a person.
Vicar: Of course she is, I’ll get it right this time. I really will. I christen this child Oxygen Hydrogen Nitrogen Carbon Calcium Phosphorus Jones.
Dad: Are you mad?
Vicar: Well I admit that’s only 99% of her but the other five elements are negligible.
Dad: She’s more than the chemical elements you muppet! Please. She’s a unique person. She has a name.
Mum: Yes, that’s what we want.
Vicar: Of course. I christen this baby… I christen this child… er… sorry what was it again?
Mum: Apreet. It means a lovely precious person.
Dad: Just out of interest, what’s your name?
Vicar: Me? Oh. Thingummy Whatsisname. My dad christened me.
Mum: Why am I not surprised…
If you've appreciated this, why not...
Donate to support Dave's work Subscribe on YouTube Follow on X Like on Facebook Contact Dave Subscribe