Fifty/Fifty: Shades

Fifty-fifty Shades of Greyce.

The Bible contains more tales about sex than you might expect. Some funny, some great, some sad, some ugly. It doesn’t shy away from this part of life, and the writers often use sex as a metaphor.

So here are fifty stories in fifty words about that three letter word with a nod to the Good Book.

x x x

50. Different

‘Listen up!
I’ve come to throw a party.
Invite you to a wedding.
Dancing, drinks, food, music, laughter.
Like no wedding you’ve ever been to before.
No one collapsing drunk and vomiting.
Or taking advantage of the bridesmaids.
The wedding to end them all.
The wedding to kick-start the future.’

Matthew 9

x x x

49. Perfect

Bride and groom.
Massive smiles.
Can’t help grinning as they walk down the street.
Humming too, and nodding at strangers.
Look stupid really, but you can’t hold it in, eh?
Why should you.
Not when you feel that great.
Honoured, respected, appreciated, loved.
Not married.
Just feels that way.

Isaiah 61.10

x x x

48. Troubled

Never thought he’d find that kind of acceptance.
Not after doing that.
So many times.
Floundering in the same familiar, self-destructive squalor.
Again and again.
So he thought.
Till now.
Then this.
The sun breaking through thick suicidal cloud on a winter’s day.
Warmth. Hope. Comfort.

2 Corinthians 1. 3-7

x x x

47. Proposal

‘Let’s start again.
New life together.
The past is history.
Let’s make a commitment to each other.
New place, new plans, new family, new purpose.
Let’s go for it.’
She thinks on his words from last night.
The ones he offered through the letterbox.
Because she wouldn’t let him in.

Revelation 3.20

x x x

46. Weakness

She’s surprised.
This mess, this skeleton in her closet.
This habit she developed, this embarrassing thing.
Turned out to be just what she needed.
The perfect anecdote to help that woman.
Can’t stand in judgement.
So she stands beside her instead.
Lifts her out of the crap.
Who’d have thought?

2 Corinthians 12 8-10

x x x

45. War

He battles.
Every day goes to war.
Ripped apart.
The enemy inside laying waste to his hopes, dreams and ideals.
Part of him longing for fidelity.
Part of him lusting for her.
And for her. Her too. And that one over there.
Desire going off inside like a hand grenade.

Romans 7

x x x

44. Desperate

He wakes up and remembers last night.
Boy that was good.
SHE was good.
Only one problem.
Can he afford it?
His money’s running out.
Stupid to spend what’s left all on one woman.
Still, it was worth it.
He rolls over.
Reaches for his wallet.
It’s gone.
So’s she.

Luke 15

x x x

43. Eye-candy

All in the same boat really.
Can’t go round pointing the finger.
Judging others.
He does it.
She does it.
They do it.
He understands temptation.
Busy minds, fertile imaginations.
Nice view.
Pretty picture.
Prominent curves.
Just a second look.
A lingering glance.
Seems a bit drastic really.

Matthew 5

x x x

42. Party

Matt’s signed up.
Ditched the day job and changed career.
Better celebrate.
Throw a party.
Invite the mates.
Collaborators, wide-boys, gangsters and crooks.
Plenty of hot girls too.
Food, wine, dancing, gonna be a good night.
Especially if the rabbi comes.
He’ll set the place a light.
Party on, dudes.

Mark 2

x x x

41. Inappropriate

There’s talk.
It’s not looking good.
He spends way too much time with those women.
Enjoying their company too.
Can’t he just find a few respectable people to hang out with?
People wonder, they speculate, there are rumours.
No surprise really.
Doesn’t he know what prostitutes do for a living?

Matthew 21


x x x

40. Intruder

He looks down at her.
Water drips from the ends of her hair.
Her face is streaked with make-up and water.
Tears have burned dark channels down her face.
He knows she has been with three different men this week.
And he knows why.
He understands.
Others mutter.
He smiles.

Luke 7

x x x

39. Hot

The sun bakes the ground beneath her feet.
Her head spins.
Coming here in the heat, not great.
This place of pain.
This place where she met him.
Gave him a drink in return for favours.
Acceptance, respect, dignity, hope.
Used to be embarrassed about her life.
Not any more.

John 4

x x x

38. Caught

How did this start?
And why does she keep creeping into his bed.
He won’t leave his family.
And if she’s caught it’ll be the death of both of them.
No rabbi in the land would pardon her for this.
What’s that noise?
Oh my…
Where did she put her clothes?

John 8

x x x

37. Peter

She misses him.
Not the same anymore.
Okay, he used to smell bad.
Would come home exhausted after a night caught in a storm.
He’d take some persuading then.
But she knew how.
A few tricks.
But now he’s away for days.
Her bed is cold.
She misses his body.

Matthew 8

x x x

36. Herodias

It’s not the same for a king.
The rules are different.
You walk an alternate path.
You can have her.
Marry her.
Enjoy her.
Especially if she’s voluptuous, canny and likes the king’s bed.
Sorry bro.
Who cares if she’s married?
John does?
John who?
Must’ve lost his head.

Luke 6

x x x

35. Herod

She can move.
No doubt about that.
Young but lithe like a well-oiled machine.
Can’t tear his eyes off her.
He’ll just watch this then go and listen to John again.
He likes John.
Talks sense, speaks his mind.
One day he might have to kill him.
But not today.

Luke 6

x x x

34. Mary

At times she still cannot believe it.
She know how it’s done.
Of course she does.
Yet she’s done it without doing it.
Probably will sound grand, awesome, holy to a future generation.
The stuff of hymns and songs.
But to her it’s something else.
A ruined reputation.
People whispering.

Luke 1

x x x

33. Hosea

He kicks the door wide.
Wood splinters.
Lovers yelp.
Eyes wide, bodies glistening.
So shocked they forget to grab some kind of coverage.
The press would love it.
The movie-makers too.
She claws on her clothes as he drags her home.
Forget the sex, he says.
Nothing for a month.

Hosea 3

 x x x

32. Ezekiel

He’s watched her grow.
Become her own woman.
Longed for the day when she would fall for him.
But she gave him little attention.
Found other lovers.
Passed her body round like a used car.
A dozen previous owners.
Now she looks damaged and abandoned.
The way he found her.

Ezekiel 16

x x x

31. Sisters

She started young.
Gave access to the boys in the back row.
Went looking for a good time.
Then she came home.
Turned up claiming love.
So we had a wedding.
And she fled again.
More abusive lovers.
In the end the life killed her.
And I grieve every day.

x x x

Ezekiel 23

x x x

30. Fatal

Funny how something so sweet, so powerful, so perfect
Can be so poisonous.
Something so feel good can make you feel so bad.
The smile, the signals, the body on show.
The grass could never get any greener.
Best night ever.
Then you wake up and she’s boiled your bunny.

Proverbs 5 & 7

x x x

29. Isaiah

It’s a strange kind of life.
He lies with her.
Love, sex, the works.
Fulfils his duty as a husband.
And as a prophet.
A lover, a father, and a persistent voice to the nation.
The idea dawned slowly.
Have a baby.
Call him ‘Plundered-and-spoilt’.
A living warning.
Wake up.

Isaiah 8

x x x

28. Jeremiah

He came out here trying to pray.
To plot his sermon for church.
What does he get?
Camels mounting one another.
Donkeys humping.
How can he hear God with all that going on?
Tries to shut it out.
That’s the message.
So many people lusting, sweating, chasing, humping destruction.

Jeremiah 2

x x x

27. Esther

Now she sees the logic in it.
As she breaks the law and intrudes on the king.
She knows.
He won’t kill her for doing this.
Has every right, but won’t.
She was too good in bed.
Too hot.
Too pleasing.
He sees her, remembers and smiles.
They both sigh.

Esther 2 & 5

x x x

26. Lover Boy

What a body. What a lover.
Those cheeks, those eyes, those lips, that neck, those two round…
Er, yes, I think we get the picture.
She’s like a garden kept privately for me.
No other labourer has had a wander round.
And those pomegranates…
Too much information.

Song of Songs

x x x

25. Ephraim

Shouldn’t have gone.
Stealing sheep gets you killed round here.
Idiot sons.
He breaks down.
Won’t be comforted.
Shakes off the hands that rest on his shoulder.
Eventually she draws him into bed.
Two boys lost.
Lets make another.
She comforts his cold body.
They call the baby Tragedy.

1 Chronicles 7

x x x

24. Solomon

Who shall he have tonight?
The Moabite? Amonite? Edomite? Hittite?
He can never remember their names.
So many.
Usually he’s wise.
But not with women.
Thinks with his royal loins.
He chooses.
She arrives.
And he recalls the woman from Sheba.
She was astute. Why did he never bed her?

1 Kings 10

x x x

23. Nathan

They make love.
And it’s different.
Not that first frenzied encounter across a darkened roof.
Stolen, sweat-soaked passion and the cold dawn of guilt.
Now there’s tenderness and familiarity.
Pain and history.
And again she is pregnant.
And again the holy man knocks on the door.
This time he smiles.

2 Samuel 12

x x x

22. Bathsheba

You hit mid-life and your urge to fight fades.
Doesn’t want to be the hero anymore.
Happy to sit back, let others do battle.
Better to wait at home, enjoy quiet nights.
Beautiful stars, perfect moon.
The naked woman on a nearby roof.
Mid-life and something else fades.

Samuel 11

x x x

21. Michal

Love at first sight.
Her brother’s new mate.
He walks in and she nearly faints.
Young, hot, great six-pack.
Now she’s leaning out of the window watching him run.
Can’t believe it.
Better shove something under the sheets.
Make it look like he’s still there.
Otherwise her husband is dead.

1 Samuel 19

x x x

20. Hannah

You get to the point where’s there’s little desire in it.
It becomes a scientific exercise.
A regular, monthly experiment.
Will it be now?
After all this time.
Will impregnation banish her childless shame?
He loves her, but doesn’t get it.
The pain.
So she prays, hopes and cries.

1 Samuel 1

x x x

19. Job II

In the old days, when he had appetites, it was always tempting.
Other women, beautiful, young, innocent, vibrant.
Tempting to follow them past.
Chase them with his eyes.
Imagine them undressed.
Think of the possibilities.
But he fought that.
Set out his manifesto.
Not always easy.
That mouth-watering greener grass.

Job 31

x x x

18. Job

His body is a mess.
His family decimated.
His marriage scarred and blistered.
His wife won’t come near him now.
He looks bad, smells bad.
His strength’s gone anyway.
Used to have sex regularly.
But sickness is a thief.
Bagged up his ability and desire and ran off with them.

Job 2

x x x

17. Ruth

She’s not beautiful.
She knows that.
Not drop dead gorgeous.
The guys don’t whistle when she walks past.
But they look.
Some of them.
And with this make-up and perfume, and her best outfit.
She has a chance.
She’ll win him.
And he’ll love her.
And they’ll have a future.

Ruth 3

x x x

16. Twisted

He’s on his way home.
Rescued his girl.
Stops in a town like Malice.
An old man wanders by.
‘Come to mine.’
Voices outside.
A brooding crowd.
Rape in the air.
Locals wanting to show the visitors a ‘good’ time.
A taste of hell on earth.
The end is nigh.

Judges 19

x x x

15. Samson

She’s hot.
Fancy a drink love?
Bite to eat?
Quick snog?
Wanna marry me?
Ding dong. Wham bam. Bored now.
She’s hot.
Fancy a drink love?
Bite to eat?
Quick snog?
What d’you do for a living then?
Hairdresser eh?
You won’t get much work from me.

Judges 16-18

x x x

14. Rahab

One out, one in.
She’s good.
One out, one in.
High class.
One out, one in.
No riff raff.
One out, one… oh!
Sorry, I don’t do two at a time.
No way.
Try next door.
What do you mean, you’re not after sex?
Why not, what’s wrong with me?

Judges 2

x x x

13. Mrs P

They laugh, joke, banter about the day.
He’s funny, confident, goodlooking.
And naive.
She’s beautiful, witty, glamorous.
And married.
She jokes and makes suggestions.
He laughs back, unaware his foot is nearing a boundary.
Later he dreams of running naked from her.
They don’t all come true, do they?

Genesis 39

x x x

12. Judah

Still wants that baby.
And she knows how.
If the sons won’t play then dad will.
She puts on the lippy.
Shines those cheeks.
Dresses to kill.
Here comes Judah now.
Won’t recognise her because he’s not expecting her.
A nod, a wink.
A proposition.
Time in the sack.

Genesis 38

x x x

11. Tamar

She just wants a baby.
Tired of men leaving her childless.
Judah’s boys keep dropping.
Is she too much for them?
The last one wouldn’t even follow through.
Plenty of enthusiasm, but kept losing his bottle.
Or spilling it at the last minute.
Wanted to make love, not a baby.

Genesis 38

x x x

10. Dinah

He will pay.
Claims love but he’s ruined her.
Damaged her, invaded her body.
There was no romance.
Only lust and violation.
He sends letters and messengers.
Having her body he intends to take her heart too.
But she will trick him.
And he will pay.
An inch of flesh.

Genesis 34

x x x

9. Rachel

He’s thought about this moment.
Dreamt his way through the long work days.
Closed his eyes and seen her face.
Imagined that body.
Those curves.
Love lassoed his body, mind, soul.
Wrecked him.
At last, seven years later, they share a bed.
The wait was worth it.
Hang on.

Genesis 29

x x x

8. Isaac

She climbs down.
Narrows her eyes.
He looks good.
She doesn’t love him yet, but it doesn’t work like that.
Not round here.
Find a man.
Live, work, sleep with him.
Bear his children.
Love slips in the back door.
He looks brokenhearted.
Her body will warm him, heal him.

Genesis 24

x x x

7. Abimilech

Deja vu.
She’s been here before.
Not in this palace.
Not in this bedroom.
But in this darkness.
She contemplates the night.
His fingers, his lips, his body invading hers.
As she thinks on this she can’t believe it.
She’s tired of being body armour.
Her flesh shielding her husband.

Genesis 20

x x x

6. Dad

Emergency sex.
Two daughters want babies.
All the men are toast.
No one to inseminate them.
Must be a way.
That town has defiled them too.
Pass the bottle.
Have a drink dad.
Have four or five.
Off your head.
Lie back.
That’s it.
Same again tomorrow.

Genesis 19

x x x

5. Lot

How low has he sunk?
He hears himself bargain with the gang-rapers on his doorstep.
He hates himself.
This town has defiled him.
Turned him into the kind of man who will give his daughters to violation.
He has lived amongst low-life too long.
He is twisted.
Needs a miracle.

Genesis 19

x x x

 4. Hagar

It was thrilling at the time.
The night with Sarah’s man.
Just doing her duty of course.
Sarah old, barren, embarrassed.
Hagar young, fit and able.
And Abe seemed willing enough.
Nudge nudge.
Didn’t take long.
He’s old too.
Wham bam, she’s a mam.
Job done.
Now the trouble starts.

Genesis 16

x x x

3. Sarah

Be great to own her.
To put her in his pen and have access whenever.
He has many others already in the pen.
But this one would light up the place.
Shame she’s married to that stranger.
She’s not?
She’s available?
Pay the man for his sister.

Genesis 12

x x x

2. Noah

Ham sees and gawps.
He looks and he is fascinated, his eyes on stalks.
He runs, tells others.
Come look!
And so many follow in his steps.
Gawping. Looking. Running. Telling.
Cameras flash, magazines print, tweets retweeted.
Innocence lost.
Not bodies anymore.
Not people, not flesh encasing souls.
Just objects.

Genesis 8

x x x

1. Eve

He dreamt last night of something new.
Can’t get it out of his head.
Something unnamable.
An experience so epic, so profound, so deeply satisfying and exhilarating there’s little point attempting to put words to it.
His body connecting with another.
Isn’t it?
And who would be that other?

Genesis 2

x x x

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