Fifty excessive extracts from the Brutal Bible.
[in 50 worrisome words]
50. Chaotic Creativity.
Way back there at the dawn of time
An idea formed to vex intelligent minds.
Forever would we imagine and search
For the way things began, in the lab and the church.
Our tiny minds wrestling on the planet
About that chaotic start and just who began it.
Genesis 1. Job 38. Psalm 8. John 1.
49. Stoopid Slaughter.
Seems such a dumb way to die.
Bragging about such an obvious lie.
Claiming the land was theirs to be taken.
Killing and mugging on a claim so mistaken.
In the end the owner had to do what he oughta –
Had to send along soldiers to dish out the slaughter.
48. Torrential Tales.
Floods that night ripped through the town.
Washing away anything not nailed down.
Flimsy shacks drift like ships from the shore.
Hasty places that are no more.
It’s a shocking tale, more than construction,
Rocks and sand, folly and instruction.
It’s about what’s real.
And searching words that heal.
47. Pitiful Payback.
King Adoni-bezek was as mean as he was able.
Once had seventy kings grovelling under his table.
Not only did they beg for crumbs.
But he’d hacked off their big toes and thumbs.
Now he’s not down there begging for crumbs.
But he sure is losing his toes and thumbs.
The man in the mask waits in the sand.
Plunder on his mind, big stick in hand.
When the good guys pass by he’ll scare them stupid.
The girl by the road isn’t waiting for cupid.
She’s all dressed up, looking quite rude.
Selling herself to the next passing dude.
45. Golden Gaffs.
Aaron stood there and scratched his head.
What was that his brother just said?
‘How did that thing just appear?
When there ain’t a gift shop for miles round here.’
Can’t talk, can’t walk, can’t move about.
‘Oh I dropped some jewellery in the fire and – oops – that came out.’
44. Incredible Interpretations.
Joe the dreamer interprets dreams.
Stands before Pharoah tells him what it means.
Joe doesn’t smell good, the prison’s a bad place.
Doesn’t get Lynx or Oil of Olay for his face.
Pharaoh dreams of cows, some fatter, some thinner,
And it’s about how much they’re gonna eat for dinner.
43. Allegorical Analogies.
The lion pounces, sinks teeth into prey.
He’s hungry, been waiting for this catch all day.
Gnaws on the bone, chews on the meat.
Savours those moments of good food to eat.
And though an army gathers around on all sides,
Nothing’s distracting the king from his prize.
42. Rollicking Repenting…
Hez was a good king, not many of them.
Out of 39 only 8 good men.
Isaiah came to him and said,
‘King Hezekiah, you’ll soon be dead!’
Hezekiah cried, ‘You’re having a laugh!’
So Isaiah gave him a decade-and-a-half.
Then he poured some healing oil
On Hezekiah’s nasty boil.
2 Kings 20
41. Terrible Toilets.
King Jehu decided to sort things out
Jezebel had really been a nasty old trout.
She’d messed up the people’s worshipping
They’d forgotten the God who created everything.
So his men wrecked her shrines, and killed the priests too.
Turned it into a place where you do a public poo.
2 Kings 10
40. Jeering Jezebel.
Jeering Jezebel sat there all painted and sweet.
Taunting the king from her window seat.
The king looked round, said, ‘Anyone gonna help me out?’
And three eunuchs grabbed the old trout.
They hurled her screaming down to the street.
And all they found were her head, hands and feet.
2 kings 9
39. Fearful Flooding.
The days were evil, people hurt the planet.
God looked down, the one who began it,
Said, ‘If you carry on like this there’s gonna be disaster.’
But people didn’t listen, just carried on faster.
The planet cracked and heaved up and down,
The floods rose up and everybody drowned.
38. Terrible Traps.
The creature lets out a harsh, strangled cry.
The hunter will soon be coming by.
It flaps, it struggles, it tears at itself endlessly.
But there’s no way it’s ever breaking free.
Blood oozes from those wounds of fear.
When a footstep sounds and a stranger comes near.
37. Radical Ravens.
Elijah was starving for a bit of bread.
Fishfinger sarnies filled his head.
His stomach growled and his head it groaned.
As he sat by the brook all alone.
Then birds flew down, not to kill the poor prophet,
But to bring him food, so he could live off it.
1 Kings 17
36. Pitiful Prisons.
He wallows in the squalor and spit.
Cannot understand it.
He smells the excrement in the air.
Can barely keep from gagging there.
Three years ago he saw a way out.
But he’s still waiting for the wine-man’s shout.
Sometimes life’s a fleeting breath
This is just slow tortuous death…
35. Blistering Bones.
Flesh rotting on long dead corpses.
Bones showing from skeletal horses.
Death lingers like murderous perfume.
No hope coming any time soon.
Then a noise and a cloud of sand.
A prophet smacks down, raises his hand.
A hurricane moves right on in
Those bones begin to grow new skin…
34. Calamitous Cash.
I’m the richest guy round these parts,
Built a few barns and broke a few hearts.
Money, spondulix, dosh or bread.
It’s all the same and rules my head.
Any poor guy needs some cash
I’m not sure I can raid my stash.
Ow, what’s that pain in my chest?
1 Samuel 25 & Luke 12
33. Humble Heroics.
The man of steel lands on the planet,
The superhero who first began it.
And what a shock the people saw.
Didn’t look like the hero at all.
Sweaty feet, dirty hands, poor family.
Was this the way to be free?
The strong weren’t sure…
But the weak wanted more…
32. Wacky Wanderings.
Abraham was a man of trust.
Fearful he might bite the dust.
When he and Sarah left their home.
They knew they weren’t travelling alone.
But when hunger hit under desert skies.
Abe started telling porkie pies.
Told Pharaoh Sarah was his sister.
So Pharaoh thought he’d be her mister.
31. Frightful Fruits.
The fruit is still popular, the voices say.
Way more than just your five a day.
Sometimes ten, or fifteen, or twenty perhaps.
An endless supply of mayhem and mishaps.
The story goes on and the fruit’s there for the taking.
This movie has a million sequels in the making.
30. Mangling Monsters.
He battled through the hail and sleet.
The whirlwind blew him off his feet.
Fought through undergrowth, froze like stone.
Confronted by behemoth and leviathan.
This fertile place was full of danger.
Yet the grand designer was no stranger.
Job fell on his knees, feeling odd,
Worshipped the unboxable God.
Job 38 & 39
29. Gruesome Goats.
The ten men stood there with blood on their hands.
They were pretty pleased they’d taken the stand.
They’d been so tired of his mouthy stance.
Worn down by his sense of self-importance.
He was lucky not to be beaten dead.
Just hurled down a well and sold off instead.
28. Shocking Showdown.
The prophets of Baal tried to prove they were best
By hacking their bodies and slicing up their vests.
‘Maybe your god’s nipped to the loo,’
Elijah said, when he didn’t come through.
The prophets grew tired so Elijah got a look-in
His God turned up and things started cookin’…
1 Kings 18
27. Extraordinary Ears.
Pete and the boys were ready for a fight
Armed themselves in the gloom one night.
It was pretty clear, there weren’t no mystery.
The Messiah had come so the Romans were history.
The soldiers arrived and Peter lashed out.
Hacked a blood-spurting ear then Jesus gave a shout.
26. Dubious Deaths: Morbid Money.
Barnabas, a good man, sold a field.
Gave away the money that the sale did yield.
Ananias and Sapphira saw what he did.
Decided to copy – he was a popular kid.
They sold some land but lied about the prize.
And they ended up stiff, staring at the skies.
25. Bonkers Belshazzar.
Belshazzar ended up in a field of mud,
Chomping grass and chewing the cud.
Power fried his brain, he lost all his rudders,
Did an impression of a thing with udders.
He had lost sight of what really matters
And in spite of royal blood his life was in tatters.
24. Jaundiced Jeroboam.
Jaundiced Jeroboam was not a good king,
Abandoning the things God asked of him.
One day a man said, ‘You’re a big FAIL.’
Jeroboam pointed at him, said ‘Put him in Jail.’
But the altar burst open and ash poured out.
And Jerry’s arm withered like a dead rotting trout.
1 Kings 13
23. Striking Samaritans.
A Samaritan Soldier was going home.
Saw a Jewish man beaten and alone.
He knelt in the blood and bandaged him.
Risked his life – took him to a Jewish inn.
Jews hated Samaritans so he might have got whacked.
But he took the chance and it made an impact.
22. Dubious Deaths: Blistering Brother.
Two brothers in the midday heat.
Stare at each other across the street.
One doesn’t blink, doesn’t flinch or smile.
He can’t – he’s been dead a while.
There’s a rock in the hand of the other.
It’s messy and dripping with the blood of his brother.
Cain 1 Abel 0.
21. Shocking Shades.
Once upon a time a man invented some very cool shades.
They became hugely popular with every age.
Young and old wore them round town.
Even though they kept falling down.
This trendy new look made the wearer blind.
They fell over cliffs, in ditches and smack on their behinds.
20. Bumbling Body Bits.
There once was a man who fell apart
Cause his ears argued with his eyes and heart.
The ears grew legs and stormed elsewhere.
Then his beard got cross and insulted his hair.
His kidney got mad too, jealous of his spleen.
And soon his body was an old has-been.
1 Corinthians 12
19. Culinary Carnage.
Imagine going out to KFC
And buying fried eagle for your tea.
Or going to McDonalds for a big Mc-Otter.
Would you pull a face or eat the lotta?
Pete was starving – waiting for lunch
He was given snake and kidney pie to munch.
And probably spaghetti hoopoes too.
18. Wily Women.
There’s a lot of begatting in the good old book.
From Tamar to Bathsheba, Rahab to Ruth.
Rahab was a prostitute who saved some chaps.
Ruth stuck by Naomi when everything collapsed.
Bathsheba took a bath and David was too fickle.
Tamar tricked her dad-in-law with a spot of slap-and-tickle.
17. Gruesome Goliath.
Before the Israelites got out of bed
Goliath was there with his great big head.
Yelling abuse – insulting them.
‘I’ll fight your biggest men.’
King Saul was the biggest of all
But young Dave felt bulletproof-brave.
And soon big G was lying dead.
Young Dave had got his head.
1 Samuel 17
16. Millennial Methuselah.
Methuselah just went on and on and on.
People thought he’d never be gone.
There was a good reason why his life wasn’t spent.
His name meant ‘when he is dead it’ll soon be sent.’
As long as Meths was alive and afloat.
His grandson would not build his boat.
15. Expiring Eutychus.
It was late, it was hot, and the ground was flat.
Eutychus knew ‘cause he went splat.
Fell from a window and he bit the dust
Till Paul ran down and got it sussed.
He said a prayer and he woke the dead.
Eutychus yawned and went off to bed.
14. S-s-s-sabre-toothed Snakes!
When St Paul visited Malta
Things didn’t go the way they oughta.
He staggered soaking from the water,
Picked up wood, or so he thoughta.
The wood bit back – bit him on the arm –
A venomous snake but Paul wasn’t harmed.
The locals were charmed.
But Paul stayed calm….
13. Embarrassing Excuses.
Can’t come to your party right now.
I’ve just got a field, wife and cow.
Can’t come to your fantastic feast.
Have to go take a look at these.
Even though I would never have picked them without first scrutinising them and I’m really just trying to derail your party… (and this line doesn’t scan and this explanation takes it way over 50 words)
12. Edgy Ehud.
Edgy Ehud visited the king,
Brought the taxes and one more thing.
A lethal weapon strapped to his thigh.
For King Eglon the end was nigh.
Eglon was cruel and greedy.
Didn’t help the poor or needy.
Ehud soon settled the matter.
Jabbed his guts and the king went splatter.
11. Dodgy Disciples.
Doubting Tom and Denying Pete
Ran like mad cause they couldn’t stand the heat.
Naked Mark ran away in the buff.
Couldn’t cope when things got tough.
I’m glad their tales are in the good ol’ book.
‘Cause I see myself when I take a look.
It’s like a mirror…
Mark 14 & John 20
10. Jumpin’ Jeremiah.
Jumpin’ Jerry bought a really nice pot.
Invited his friends to show ‘em what he’d got.
Like the Antiques Roadshow, passed it around
Then lifted it up and smashed it on the ground.
It was really embarrassing, they nearly threw fits,
Jerry said, ‘Reform or you’ll end up in bits.’
9. Vital Visions.
Extreme Ezekiel saw a strange thing.
A four-headed, four-wheeled cherubim.
It looked like a lion, an eagle and a cow.
It had a man’s head – can you picture it now?
With fire and eyes, the thing could really move.
It left the temple, cause the place had lost its groove.
8. Rockin’ Revelation.
Jittery John gave a second look
When an angel told him to ‘eat this book’.
‘Don’t just read it then leave it alone.
Get it in your guts, in your muscles and your bones.
Don’t play with your food, for goodness sake.’
So John did – and he got stomach ache.
7. Jumpin’ Jeremiah.
Once there was a prophet called Jerry.
Told to take his pants off and bury
Them in the soil
So they would really spoil
End up all stinky and very very
embarrassing – they kept falling down.
But he wore them all around town.
People’s lives had become really pants…
6. Extreme Ezekiel.
Extreme Ezekiel didn’t know what to do
When God told him to burn his poo.
Think of the smell, he hastily stressed.
But it smelt bad anyway, so God wasn’t impressed.
Zeke had to do it, it weren’t no joke.
But was allowed to use cow poo. Lucky old bloke.
5. Dubious Deaths: Angry Absalom.
Daring Dave had a load of weird sons
But none quite as mad as Absalom.
Riding a mule the silly young bloke
Got his head jammed tight in the branch of an oak.
Dangling there,he felt like a spare part.
Till Joab stuck three knives in his heart.
2 Samuel 18
4. Barmy Balaam.
Balaam had a plan to get rich quick.
Hired by a baddie – Balak son of Zip.
Balaam had a donkey, like the one in Shrek,
Stared talking – scared him to heck.
The donkey stopped Balaam dead in his tracks
Which stopped him getting dead from the angel’s whacks.
3. Daring Dave.
Gruesome Goliath came from Gath.
Smelt pretty bad cause he never too a bath.
He was mean and ugly, face like a frog.
Bullied the Israelites, barked like a dog.
Daring Dave, butch and cool, not dull,
Fired a stone at Goliath and smashed his skull.
Decapitated him too.
1 Samuel 17
2. Dubious Deaths: Skewered Sisera.
Jawdropping Jael went far beyond the pale.
Picked up a hammer and a very big nail.
When Sisera came for a quick lie down
She pinned his skull to the solid ground.
If you’re a bad king needing to rest your legs.
Stay away from Jael and her tent pegs.
1. The Irksome Intro (in 100 words)
The Bible ain’t as boring as you think that it might be.
Most people don’t read much of it they’d rather watch TV.
But with pants to bury, poo to burn and toes and ears to slice
it’s probably far more interesting and really not as nice
as you once thought it was.
It’s scary and it’s shocking and it’s funny as well.
It’s full of fighting, death and gore, and some bits would really smell.
So take a second look at the rather good old book.
There are daring tales galore and it’s full of guts and gore.