I’m A Bible Star Get Me Outa Here!

The Bible is full of celebrities and wannabe stars – here are just a few of them…

Queen Esther

Esther, what a career. The Julia Roberts of the Bible. A true Cinderella if ever there was one. Showed promise as ‘Number 457′ in the king’s harem, but really came to prominence when she bedded the ol’ coot and well and truly warmed his cockles. Directed by her cousin Mordecai she then stepped into the role of her life, as er… well… The Queen.
Helen Mirren, Colin Firth and Judy Dench did well playing monarchs, but they can’t hold a candle to Esther’s achievements. Winning an Oscar is one thing, but snatching a whole people group from the jaws of death? Now that’s another royal ball game totally.  Won worldwide acclaim for this role of humble but courageous queen and Mordecai won acclaim too for directing her to fame and glory in that epic.

Both faded quickly though. No other particular roles to speak of after that. Burnt bright but short. Last seen in pantomime in Woking. Cinderella funnily enough. Mordecai was one of the ugly sisters.

Four stars.

Ex-Queen Michal

Michal, almost a queen. But not quite. Certainly no Esther. Fell in love with giant-killer Dave at an early age. Besotted. Mad for him. And that was her downfall. Started well as the leading lady but became the femme fatal. Not quite fatal attraction, she didn’t boil his bunny, but she gave him a right ol’ dressing down in public, which was no mean achievement as he wasn’t actually wearing that much at the time. Little more than a tea towel round his waste.

She saved King Dave’s life not long after they’d got married – wasn’t quite honeymoon night, just nearly. Then he promptly upped and did a runner into The Wilderness (not a local pub, an actual wilderness with snakes and scorpions and good-for-nothing blokes hanging around waiting to be in Dave’s gang. A little more than a weekend to get his head together then. When he finally re appeared, all tanned an wearing a crown, he turned into a dancing queen, sorry king, and she didn’t like it at all. No flowers, no chocolates, no ‘sorry I dumped you for six other wives’ card. Nope, just a stand-up row in the street in front of the local chavs.

Last seen playing the part of the evil stepmother in Woking.

Amos

No King this guy, but you did get Amos and his horny camels. Now that’s a band you don’t see every day. The Jack Black of the Good Book.  Like most prophets he was a social misfit, a bit of a nutter and a performance artist. Enjoyed going out in the streets and yelling at the locals. Not bad at stand-up comedy but a lot of his jokes ended badly.
Started his career as a local farmer from ‘up north’, ended it telling shepherd riddles to
May have been part of the ‘batty pack’ with contemporary holy nutters Hosea and Jonah. Hosea got hitched to a whale and Jonah got swallowed by a prostitute. Something like that anyway.

The three of them were last seen on the bill playing the coach-pulling mice in Woking.

Bonus quiz question: What did Amos say would be left if you tried pulling a half-eaten sheep out of a lion’s mouth?

a/ Only half your fingers.
b/ Three roast potatoes and a couple of carrots.
c/ A liver, a heart and a lung.
d/ Two legs and a piece of ear.
e/ Nothing.
f/ A bit of a gooey mess.

King Solomon

Solomon: the Tom Cruise of the Good Book. Totally royal blood here. Through and though.  A life less ordinary if ever there was one. Sol the Builder. Built a massive great palace, three forts and a temple.

Didn’t lift a brick himself of course, too busy going to weddings. His own. Got married 300 times. Bit of a snag with the best man speeches. I mean, what’s left to say after the fiftieth? All the jokes have been done.

Not so much as dancer like his dad but enjoyed his proverbs. A bird in the hand… if at first you don’t succeed… a moment on the list… you won’t find any of these in his famous book. Just things like – when a bird sees a trap it stays away. And – a little extra sleep and poverty will pounce on you like a bandit. Hilarious!

Had his own one man show. Turned his love life into a musical, it was called Song of Songs, bit like Mamma Mia, just the other way round. One man lots of women.
Wrote Cinderella the Pantomime exclusively for the New Victoria Theatre in Woking.
It’s a smash.

Othniel

Wannabe star who never quite broke out of the role of supporting actor. Think John Heard. Never heard of him? Well there you go. Nominated for an award for his role in attacking and capturing the City of Books. He won the award – turned out be his new wife – (and cousin) Acsah, donated by his grateful and generous uncle Caleb.

Othniel may have been a dab hand at taking enemy cities but Acsah took the biscuit when it came to asking for more land. When her old man Caleb made them an offer they couldn’t refuse she leapt down from her donkey and refused it. She already had huge tracks of land in the Negev, but she wanted springs as well. She twisted her sweet old dad round her finger and Othniel inherited alot more grass to cut.

His one starring role came along when he became Governor and number one man in Israel for a while. The first ever of Israel’s judges. When the king of Mesopatamia, or Cushblam! Othniel (a.k.a. the Lion of God) shot to the number one spot. Othniel kicked Mr Double-wickedness all the way from here to eternity and before you could say Cushan-rishathaim he had brought peace to the land for forty years.

Othniel auditioned for the role of Prince Charming in Woking, but didn’t get it. Not famous enough. They offered him the role of the pumpkin but his wife advised him to turn it down.

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