A Fistful of Lighthearted Biblical Moments. 50 Words a Day for 50 Days.
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50. Jesus regularly faced conflict, day after day
He used plenty of humour along the way
The man of sorrows at times wore a smile,
Bringing hope and laughter to those pushed aside.
They loved his tales of hope and surprise,
And the way he cared for the hurt and despised.
Matthew 5 vv 1-10
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40. Oh no! Not again – Isaiah was enough,
Now Micah’s out there, running in the buff!
Not only that – he’s wailing like a dog!
Scaring the horses and those out for a jog.
It’s probably to make us change our mind,
But does he really have to show his behind?
Micah 1 vv 5-9
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41. Nathanael grinned when his friend, Phillip, spoke,
‘The Messiah – from Galilee? You’re having a joke!’
When he ambled up to Jesus he scratched his head,
‘Can anything good come from Nazareth?’ he said.
Jesus smiled, he liked this funny guy,
‘Follow me,’ he said, ‘I like your honesty.’
John 1 vv 43-51
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42. They run like mad to tell the others,
Got to get back and amaze the brothers
With the story of what just happened today,
A jaw dropping tale, it’ll blow them away.
They burst right in, and their tale’s going fine,
Then Jesus turns up and spoils the punchline.
Luke 24 vv 28-40
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43. His skin’s too smooth, needs to be coarse
So his mum dresses him like a pantomime horse
Puts on a costume, smells a bit whiffy,
Still not right, he sounds a bit iffy.
Puts on a funny voice, it’s not too bad,
Then he goes off to hustle his dad.
Genesis 27 vv 1-19
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44. Did Jesus tell jokes? Did a smile cross his face?
Well, who invented humour in the first place?
He must’ve known that jokes hit home,
People would remember and pass them on.
Just look at the kind of followers he had,
With no sense of humour they’d drive you mad!
Matthew 13 v 34
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45. ‘How often should we forgive?’ They said to him,
Jesus thought a minute and scratched his chin.
Said, ‘Think of a number and double it.
Then multiply by 10, then treble it.’
They looked perplexed. ‘That’s a huge amount.’
He smiled, ‘Absolutely, you might need God to help you out.’
Matthew 18 vv 21-22
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46. Seems so daft it’s almost jolly,
That an idiot should keep repeating the same folly.
Like something going woof, having just had a munch,
Then returning to where it left its lunch.
I doubt if that dog would ever be Gromit,
But another dog might return to its own vomit.
Proverbs 26 v 11
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47. Jeremiah pops down the store,
Not for milk and bread, he got that before.
He buys an expensive, delicate pot,
Gets them to carefully bubble wrap it a lot.
Then he takes it along to show the leaders in town,
Proudly lifts it high and smashes it on the ground.
Jeremiah 19 vv 1-3 & 10-11
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48. ‘Foxes have holes,’ he says with a wink,
Makes the people laugh and the leaders think.
They hear his joke and get the gist,
Herod’s a crafty ‘fox’ with a very big nest.
A palace with servants and riches galore,
Whereas the son of man has other ‘treasure’ in store.
Luke 13 vv 31-32 & Matthew 8 vv 19-20
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49. The farmer looks around, scratches his chin,
Some cheeky old rascal’s been sneaking in,
Stolen nothing but left something behind,
Sown weeds galore, for the farmer to find.
The pesky things look just like the real stuff,
So he’ll have to wait till they’re fully grown to pull them up.
Matthew 13 vv 24-30
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33. This debate about circumcision
Is causing confusion and indecision.
In the Son they’ve been set free,
The past is surely history.
Paul’s vexed by these annoying brothers
Who pile unnecessary burdens on others.
‘So cut it out!’ Paul cries.
Or even, ‘Cut it off!’ Brings tears to the eyes.
Galatians 5 vv 11-15
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34. She wanders the streets like a drunken lout,
Red-faced with her hair wild, waving her arms about.
She’s shouting and yelling, and looking quite nuts
Accosting people, getting sneers and tuts.
But the reality, for those who listen well,
Is that this woman’s not drunk, she has truth to tell.
Proverbs 1 vv 20-23
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35. ‘The kingdom of God,’ he says, ‘is like a mustard seed.’
‘What!’ They recoil, ‘a wild, rampant weed?
Like stinging nettles or thistles or docks?
Proliferating things that we just can’t stop.’
He nods his head, and says, ‘This kingdom well might
Flourish in places that just don’t look right.’
Matthew 13 vv 31-32
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36. He thinks himself rather wonderful,
Pats himself on the back.
He wrote the book on humility,
There’s nothing he doesn’t lack.
Wit, looks, romance and charm,
This character’s got the lot.
He’s on his way to the very top,
Successful, funny, happy and hot.
Hang on! Isn’t that banana skin?
Proverbs 16 v 18
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37. Sarah listened and laughed at the news,
Those words would never come true.
God replied, ‘I heard you laugh at what I said.’
‘Not me!’ said Sarah, ‘must have been a camel instead.’
God’s words came true in amazing style,
‘Call your new baby Laughter,’ he said with a smile.
Genesis 18 vv 10-15 & Genesis 21 vv 1-7
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38. The shepherds found the king? Is that what you say?
But shepherds were a joke back in Jesus’s day.
It’d be like Mr Bean, Victor Meldrew and Basil Fawlty
Rushing down to find the royal baby.
Or the Keystone Cops or Hyacinth Bucket.
Or even… Donald Trump! Dare we say?
Luke 2 vv 15-20
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39. So many buddies, so many friends,
They’ll stick with him all the way to the end.
Through thick and thin they’ll always be there,
Whether the weather is foul or fair.
They won’t sneak off or leave at a dash
Just so long as his wallet is stuffed with cash.
Proverbs 19 v 4
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26. ‘This story’s colossal,’ says disciple John,
‘Much longer than War and Peace, it just goes on and on.
All the bookshops in the world, every last one,
Wouldn’t have enough shelves for what Jesus has done.
No online store, not even Amazon,
Could stock everything that comes from the Son.’
John 21 v 25
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27. The disciples mutter and quip with zest,
They love to argue about who’s best.
‘So Simon’s called Peter,’ they observe, somewhat quick,
‘A bit of a rock? Well, his head’s pretty thick.
And last night he certainly looked like one,
When he walked on water and sank like a stone.’
Matthew 14 vv 25-32, Matthew 16 vv 15-18
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28. ‘Ouch! That really hurts,’ Peter complained.
I cut off his ear and you go and fix it again!
I’m trying to start a revolution here!
Could you please not heal the next severed ear?’
‘I’m starting a revolution too,’ Jesus said
Without your sword, and it’ll be my blood shed.’
Luke 22 vv 47-51
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29. The two men sneak out of Jerusalem’s gates
Tiptoe into the dark while it’s safe and it’s late.
A stranger follows them, pops up in disguise
Sidles up quietly and gives them a surprise.
‘Hey!’ he says – as if saying ‘Boo!’
‘Can I come for a stroll with you?’
Luke 24 vv 13-18
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30. You can imagine him doing his best not to smile.
He’s been standing there for quite a while,
Watching the folks rush around like mad,
Wondering what on earth happened to the body they had.
Mary looks, wipes the grief from her eyes.
She’s about to get the biggest surprise.
John 20 vv 1-16
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31. Celebrity is a sweet subtle trap,
Fame and fortune such a tasty wee snack.
But outward trappings are not worth a fig –
Like a shiny gold ring in the nose of a pig.
A sewage tank might look pretty in pink,
But inside there’s just an awful big stink.
Proverbs 11 v 22
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32. This has to be stopped – we’ve had enough!
He’s out there walking round town in the buff.
Don’t look at him! Lift your eyes higher!
What’s got into this prophet Isaiah?
Streaking for three years, it’s really too odd.
And no doubt he’ll tell us it’s a message from God!
Isaiah 20 vv 1-6
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19. When the people get together, whenever they meet,
They bear a striking resemblance to donkeys on heat!
Like camels on the hunt for the next available mate,
They’re always searching for something second rate.
When will they realise the good thing they’ve got?
And stop chasing whatever’s new and hot.
Jeremiah 2 vv 23-24
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20. The Prime Minister’s desperate, looks like a has-been,
He grovels, but trips and falls flat on the Queen.
The king comes strolling through the door,
Finds the two of them rolling around on the floor.
The PM had planned a sneaky ruse,
But ended up standing there in idiot’s shoes.
Esther 7 vv 3-10
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21. Unless the Lord builds the house
It’ll collapse on top of the workmen.
The front door will abandon its hinges,
The staircase will collapse when climbed,
The windows will drop out when opened,
The bathtub will fall through the ceiling,
And the toilet will blow back like a disgruntled whale.
Psalm 127 v 1
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22. The people inside were praying like stink,
Pleading for Peter to be released from the clink.
There was a knock and a servant went to see
Peter standing there – quite obviously free.
She left him on the step, returned, eyes wide,
‘Don’t be daft,’ they said, ‘he’s not really outside.’
Acts 12 vv 12-17
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23. ‘Killer Saul – A Christian? You’re kidding me!
That would be like Genghis Khan giving to charity!
Or Simon Cowell being easy-going, meek and polite!
Or hell freezing over, all snowy and white!
Or David Cameron voting to leave the EU!’
Ananias couldn’t believe what God was asking him to do.
Acts 9 vv 10-19
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24. He hears a voice but there’s no one around,
Just this dumb animal hugging the ground.
He looks high and low, can’t make it out,
Where’s it coming from? What was that shout?
Then the penny drops, he nearly hits the deck –
It’s his donkey talking, just like in Shrek!
Numbers 22 vv 21-34
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25. Can you believe it, it’s really the troof,
They ripped a massive hole in the roof!
When Jesus saw the man lowered through,
With a wry smile he said, ‘I forgive you!’
Folks said, ‘Oy! You can’t say that!’
Jesus said, ‘Too late.’ And healed the man on the mat.
Mark 2 vv 1-12
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1. Moses paced back and forth, like a dysfunctional travelator, trying to think of another excuse.
Then God said, ‘Here’s Aaron!’
‘Brilliant idea,’ said Moses, perking up, ‘send him instead! Marvellous initiative. A very sound plan. A magnificent choice!’
‘Er… I thought you couldn’t speak well,’ said God.
‘Oops!’ said Moses.
Exodus 4 vv 13-16
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2. Knock-knock! Who’s there? Ape. Ape who? A persistent widow who won’t go away!
Knock-knock! Who’s there? Ivor. Ivor who? I’ve already told you, a persistent widow who won’t go away!
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Will. Will who? Will you stop ignoring me!!
Knock-knock… Aggghh not again – alright, I give in!!
Luke 18 vv 1-5
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3. The narrow road is tricky, carrying lots of stuff
Makes the going hard, makes the journey tough.
Like trying to post a snowman through a letter-box,
Or reversing double-deckers into Tesco parking spots.
Jesus said, ‘We make the way unnecessarily rough
By hanging on too tightly to too much stuff.’
Luke 18 vv 24-25
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4. The man owes too much, it’s like the national debt!
Can’t pay it back, breaks into a sweat.
Then – wow! – cancelled – the whole debt gone.
He walks free, whistling a happy song.
Can you believe it? He grabs the nearest guy,
Says, ‘You owe me 50p, pay me or die!’
Matthew 18 vv 23-34
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5. The farmer plants some seeds. Has a cup of tea. And a sandwich. Walks the dog. Grows a beard. Shaves it off. Stubs his toe. Gets indigestion. Loses his keys. Finds them. Loses them again. Wears holes in his socks. And all the time, the seed grows. Little by little.
Mark 4 vv 26-27
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6. The people fell about when they heard this one,
About the son returning home after wallowing with scum.
His waiting father runs, looks like Mr Bean!
Or that scene from the Olympics, when her Majesty the Queen
Parachuted right out of the sky!
Fathers don’t run, they’re just too dignified.
Luke 15 v 20
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7. A thing so good it looks like a big party,
People so full of life, all happy, hale and hearty!
Laughter and chatter, a mighty good blast,
Draws a passing crowd from those going past.
They came close, had a look, saw and thunk –
This lot really must be drunk!
Acts 2 vv 1-13
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8. A man falls asleep, when a pounding on the door wakes him suddenly.
‘I’m asleep!’ he cries.
‘No you’re not.’
‘I am. Go away.’
‘Help me.’
‘I’m asleep.’
‘Can’t hear any snoring.’
‘I don’t snore.’
‘D’you talk when asleep?’
‘No.’
‘Aha – gotcha!’
‘Oh, but I’m snuggled up.’
‘Help me!’
‘Ohhhhhh….’
Luke 11 vv 5-8
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9. Grunting Goliath, a foul sweaty man,
Appeared in the valley with his masterplan.
He swaggered, he cursed, with growls and roars,
Threats falling like rubble and rocks from his jaws.
The man was too tall to look right in the eye,
So little David decked him without a proper goodbye.
1 Samuel 17 vv 41-51
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10. ‘What d’you think you’re doing now?
I turn my back and you make a big cow!’
‘Wasn’t us!’ the people shout,
‘Just threw some gold in the fire – and that came out!’
‘Really?’ says Mo, ‘the cow just came your way?
‘Do I look as if I was born yesterday?’
Exodus 32 vv 19-24
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11. She hunts all night, with clunks and clatters,
For one silver coin that really matters.
Like hunting for your phone or your keys instead,
Or your glasses that are actually perched on your head.
When she finds the coin she feels so good
She throws a party for the neighbourhood.
Luke 15 vv 8-10
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12.The prophets boogie in the morning dew
Do the Funky Chicken, the Mashed Potato too.
Nothing happens, just tumbleweed and dust,
Elijah watches, waits, he’s got it sussed.
Says, ‘Maybe your god’s too busy for you,
Maybe he’s on holiday or having some trouble on the loo. ‘
No-one laughs.
1 Kings 18 vv 20-27
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13. ‘Help, help!’ the jailer cried ‘Everyone’s done a runner.
The Romans will come looking for me and I’ll be a gonner!
The earth gave an almighty cough
And my old jail doors fell off!
I’m feeling scared, I’m feeling ill!’
‘Ahem,’ said Paul, ‘we haven’t run, cool it man – chill.’
Acts 16 vv 22-34
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14. The wise woman builds carefully.
The foolish one hires a bulldozer, drives it through the lounge window.
She borrows a chainsaw and turns the three-piece-suite into a 37-piece suite.
She covers the loo with cling film and puts scorpions in the guest bed.
And is amazed when people avoid her.
Proverbs 14 v 1
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15. Once there was a farmer who went out to sow,
Threw seeds everywhere, random, you know?
In car parks, on pavements, on rubbish tips too,
In phone boxes, cinemas, shops, even the zoo.
He was unusual and risky but extravagantly good,
Generously sowing those good seeds wherever he could.
Matthew 13 vv 3-9
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16. Jeremiah went into M&S, buried in his thoughts,
God had inspired him to buy some boxer shorts.
He picked out some dandy pants, buried them by a stream.
When he dug them up, they were maggoty and green.
People took a snooty stance.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘you’re like these pants!’’
Jeremiah 13 vv 1-11
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17. The excuses given were frankly poor.
Who buys a cow without examining it before?
Who buys a field without checking twice?
It’s like choosing a car because it looks nice.
Like saying you can’t come because you’re ‘washing your hair.’
Or ‘I’ve broken a nail so I can’t be there.’
Luke 14 vv 16-20
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18. On a friend’s face I might spot a speck of dirt
When I’ve actually got Marmite all down your shirt.
I might criticise the odd mess or two,
Then go home, where the place resembles a zoo.
Easy to correct others all the time,
Disregarding my own life of grime.
Matthew 7 vv 3-5
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