The Bible ain’t as boring as you think that it might be
Most people don’t read much of it they’d rather watch TV.
But with pants to bury, poo to burn and toes and ears to slice
It’s probably far more interesting and really not as nice
As you once thought it was. It’s scary and funny as well
It’s full of fighting, death and gore, and some bits would really smell.
So take a second look at the rather good old book.
There are daring tales galore and it’s full of guts and gore…
Honest.
No Kidding.
1. What wedding present did Jacob’s father-in-law give him?
a/ An extra wife?
b/ The wrong wife?
c/ A toaster?
d/ No wife at all?
Answer:
Well kind of a and b. But mostly b. Jacob managed somehow to marry the wrong wife entirely. Laban tricked him. Jake went through the vows and the handshaking bit and the ‘you may now kiss the bride bit’ and everything and somehow only realised he’d married Leah instead of Rachel when he woke up the morning after. Should have gone to Specsavers. (Genesis 29)
a/ lose your eye?
b/ lose your marbles?
c/ lose a sensitive flap of skin off the end of your finger?
d/ lose a sensitive flap of skin off the end of your… you know.. man bit?
Answer… yes you guessed it – it’s d/ the man bit one. Don’t go expecting to get off with the hottie from Jake’s house unless you’re ready for your whole town to get the end of their joysticks communally hacked… closely followed by all their other bits. A cunning plan. (Genesis 34)
b/ 70 dogs with human bones in their mouths?
c/ 70 kings with their thumbs cut off?
d/ 70 wives with their heads cut off?
2. What sort of holiday should you not go on in the book of Judges?
a/ camping?
b/ wine making?
c/ lion wrestling?
d/ honey gorging?
Answer… well certainly not camping. You might get a tent peg through the skull, thanks to the lovely Jael. (Judges 4) Lion wrestling and honey gorging is fine if you’ve got long hair, an attitude problem and you’re a spoilt brat called Samson (Judges 14). Wine making is okay too, just don’t get caught napping by an angel with war on his mind. (Judges 6,7 & 8)
3. Which of the following was not a Biblical assassin?
a/ Samson
b/ Ehud
c/ Tola
d/ Gideon
Answer… Never heard of Tola? Well, maybe that’s because he never bumped anyone off. All the others? Yep. Samson killed anything that moved. (Judges 13-16) Ehud brought a message from God for king Eglon – i.e. he sliced open his guts. (Judges 3) Gideon topped a couple of guys for killing his brothers.(Judges 8)
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b/ roll a couple of dice and see how they landed?
c/ ask forty priests what they thought?
d/ play rock/scissors/paper?
c/ the jawbone Samson used to kill?
d/ the spade used to muck out Noah’s ark?
a/ Nub?
b/ Nab?
c/ Nob?
d/ Nib?
a/ Wetting his pants and singing out of tune?
b/ Scraping his nails on doors and dribbling out of his mouth?
c/ Picking his own toes and eating it?
d/ Dancing round in his loin cloth?
Answer – by scratching at doors and dribbling over his beard David pretended he was mad and King Achish thought he had enough madmen kicking around already so he kicked him out. People had been saying that David was a celebrated king and he was scared King Achish would top him. (1 Samuel 21)
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What was the best way to get heard in the Old testament?
a/ do a striptease?
b/ become a mime artist?
c/ bury your knickers?
d/ set fire to your poo?
Answer… all of the above! Want to be a prophet? Then get ready to strip off, burn your droppings, impersonate Mr Bean and stuff your boxers in a very large hole in the ground. You have to feel sorry for Isaiah, Jeremiah and Ezekiel. Any wannabe prophets out there? It’s a tough job and you need a pretty big drawer full of drawers.
Cataclysmic Chronicles
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