Fifty-fifty Tweeted Stories.
Fifty stories in fifty words.
What would the characters in Jesus’s stories tweet or text to their mates?
Nice guy, bit naïve.
Waited till he’d gone out for lunch then organised some ‘desk dancing’.
Highly cultural experience – we put on Blue’s Brothers and shake our ‘tail feathers’.
Was really shaking it down, everyone stopping to look.
Including the boss – right behind my tail feather.
Went for job interview.
Me – highly under-qualified.
Never got round to studying brain surgery or rocket science.
Rejected. Went for cheapest coffee next door.
Depressed, sat staring into dregs when interviewing panel came in.
Offered me tea-making job.
On same salary!
Sharing town-centre flat.
Flat-mate bet me I couldn’t fit head through street railings.
Did. Couldn’t remove it.
People thought I was on stag do, raising money for charity, or performance artist.
Raised £5.27 in small change.
Stuck there three hours.
Not easy to help people, strangers, in public.
Rich friend ran away from home.
Ended up on street, working as a prostitute.
I told other friends about it.
Heartbreaking, terrible waste, but wouldn’t happen to them.
Three of them went same way.
I see them everywhere now.
Rich and poor.
Texted everyone about Keira Knightly and Robert Pattinson.
Coming to the beach to help.
How else would we get them all back in the sea?
Those starfish dying on the sand.
Everyone came to help.
Course, Kiera and Robert never showed.
But that wasn’t the point.
Cold at night.
Need a few more blankets really.
But not allowed to go home.
Have to stay otherwise we’ll lose.
Have to keep our space here.
Our land now.
There are rumblings about us being cleared by the army.
Some say they’ll fight, shed blood.
Bit of a shock for everybody.
Will and Kate’s big day.
Pomp, ceremony, day off work.
Went to London.
Where is everybody?
No cheering, no crowds.
Like a ghost town.
Did they all have something better to do?
Will in carriage whispering to Kate.
Homeless mate of mine borrowed a quid from me.
Bought a lottery ticket.
Bet it on a horse.
Outsider won him hundred grand.
Bought house, did it up.
Sold it for a million.
Bought another, sold it for ten.
Set up trust to help homeless.
All for £1.
Ran away from home at six.
Wrapped up bread, cheese, chocolate, compass in handkerchief.
Stick over shoulder.
Headed for London.
Ate bread & cheese.
Went home, mum pleased.
Had jelly, ice-cream, milkshakes & marmite on toast.
Brother threw a strop.
Cute in shop.
Big eyes, waggy tail, heart-stopping whimper.
Got it home.
Turned into hound of Baskervilles.
Whimper became roar – all-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l night.
Aperture below waggy tail – presents everywhere.
Desperate to get rid.
Mum – (big eyes, heart-stopping whimper, but no tail) – ‘Give it another chance. Pleeeeeaaaaassse.’
There are things we do not know.
We dictate, judge, exclude and include others.
We label, applaud, put-down, exalt and belittle.
But we do not know.
The clock ticks and the hand moves.
And eventually someone else will sort it all out.
Now we see through crud-stained lenses.
Movies, pop music, comedy, Sunday roast.
Great beer, tasty curry, thumping good reads.
Irony, wit, absurd moments.
Heroes – Jones, Tintin, Bourne, Potter, Frodo.
I am, he says, all these and more.
The great movies, best music, stunning comedy, delicious food, gripping yarns, resourceful heroes.
The fresh bread of life.
Watched old Baptist church being demolished for a skateboard park.
Across the street the CofE was being turned into a supermarket.
Down the road the Methodists were housing a monoplex cinema.
Where’s God nowadays if his houses are being sub-let and made over?
Flesh and blood, muscle & bone.
Thanks for agreeing to help me out.
Unlike your bro who flatly refused.
In language more colourful than a tankful of tropical fish.
Thanks for your encouragement.
Shame it was all talk.
Tweeting’s one thing, doing’s another.
Where were you?
Good job your bro turned up.
Who’d have thought it?
Not easy to spot the difference.
Put twenty men in a room.
Some have beards, biceps, and/or beerguts.
That’s not the real deciding factor.
Who are the best men?
Which ones look out for others?
Which ones are not too proud to be uncool?
Can’t tell from a distance.
Worry is powerful.
Went away on hols, tried to relax.
Couldn’t stop worrying about my house.
Had the putty shrunk in the windows and the glass all fallen out?
And if that happened had burglars come in?
Answer – no!
I stressed and it didn’t happen!
See – worry works!
Mate’s getting hitched.
Means one thing.
He’ll be out of action – busy for a while.
Get out the building materials.
Knock up a new room on the side of dad’s house.
A new place for a new life.
And when it’s done – bingo.
Back for his wife.
New guy in town.
Next big thing, everyone talking.
Said he’d seen me around.
Said he was like a ladder.
An escalator linking heaven and earth.
Jake’d be pleased.
He always dreamt of that sort of thing.
Not sure what it means but – cool.
Divine escalators – brilliant!
Friday – big night out.
Pubs clubs partying.
Yea baby! The dog’s buttocks!
Called loadsa mates.
Lock up your daughters, gonna rock this town!
7.30 King’s Arms.
8.00 Queen’s Head.
8.30 Prince’s Elbow.
All 71 of them.
Like – that’s believable.
Day1 Big competition at work.
A week to make the most money.
Day2 Gotta beat those other two.
Day3 Nick’s selling pants in the local market.
Day4 Doug’s landscaping people’s gardens.
Basically digging holes and filling them in again.
Day5 Time’s running out.
Day6 Agghhhh! What to do???
Walking home last night.
Wish I’d bought spare batteries.
Planned to get home before dark.
Torch died halfway back.
Walked into a wall, two dogs, a Give Way sign and three pregnant women.
Me, not the women.
Life is what happens when you’re making plans.
He’s the most popular guy at work.
Always helping people.
Kind, funny, afraid of no one.
But I can’t bring myself to shake his hand.
He cleans floors. And toilets.
His hands are always stained, filth under the nails.
Even when he eats his sandwiches.
Never washes his hands.
En suite, close to beach.
£300 – hurry while offer lasts.
En suite, close to beach.
Free mini bar.
£300 – better be quick!
En suite, close to beach.
Free mini bar.
£300 – last offer!
Seen news story about Grace college?
Intelligent kids with bright future took over the place.
Threw out teachers.
Claimed they didn’t need them anymore.
Announced that tutors were history.
When tutors tried to return they attacked them.
Killed governor’s son!
Who’d do that?
Planned it meticulously.
Tweeted the rest of the gang.
Bank would quiet.
Slip in quietly, guns in pockets.
No shouting, just reasonable demands.
Walk out rich men.
Strolled in – ambushed by a dozen cops.
Realised later – mistakenly sent tweet to bank manager.
Staying in rich boyfriend’s parents’ mansion.
Too many old corridors with too many old bathrooms.
Needed loo in middle of night.
Got lost in dark.
Eventually found a loo.
Short-lived – couldn’t open door.
Shouted for hours.
Everyone awake all night searching high-and-low for me!
Laughed & cried!
Doing stand up.
Telling loads of new hip jokes.
You could hear the dead rise.
In desperation tried a few old, tired jokes.
Tried a few more.
Told oldest joke in book.
Tried a few new ones again.
They even laughed at those.
Set my PC burning a CD of favourite cool tracks.
Nipped out to make a sandwich.
Grabbed CD to play to new girlfriend on date.
All going well till The Birdy Song came on.
Closely followed by Macarena.
Brother must have sneakily added loada cheese to recording.
Will kill him.
Lost contact lens.
Realised couldn’t see straight during first lecture.
Whole class on hold while everyone got down on all fours.
Retraced steps, everyone shuffling on knees through corridors.
Slipped and twisted arm.
Spent day like Nelson = eyepatch + sling.
Got home later, found lens still in case.
Texted my mate about how hard I work.
Cleaning stuff, selling stuff, fixing stuff.
Complained about how much I put in.
How little the boss does for me.
‘Why can’t he clean/fix my stuff some time?’
Accidentally sent the text to the boss instead.
Reply – ‘Cut me some slack, son. :)’
Stood in church the other day.
Wondered what I was doing there.
Looked around at all those happy people singing those shiny worship songs.
Wondered how they managed it.
How can they so be good, so… Christian?
Just felt empty and lonely, even though the church was full.
Don’t block me.
I know I keep on pestering you but I need some help!!!
I don’t know who else to tweet.
I know you want to, to make life easier.
If you block me I’ll have no one else to ask.
Please, please, PLEASE.
No 33: Yeast
Making dumplings the other day.
Mouth watering as I made the mixture by hand.
Got stew ready.
(Stew the meal not Stew my boyfriend.)
Dumplings total fail.
Tasted like sewage balls.
Shouldn’t have painted nails with foul ‘Stop Biting’ varnish before moulding dumplings.
No 34: Cost
Decided to tart up the back garden.
Just a re-turf.
Got a bit carried away.
Added a fountain.
Fourteen palm trees.
And a sauna.
Should have costed it first.
Had to up the price of the house.
No one interested.
Luke 14. 28
No 35: Payback
Tripped at work in staff room, attempted to avoid throwing orange juice over boss.
Threw it over best friend instead.
Very white shirt.
White no longer.
Mate very angry.
New shirt expensive.
Begged for forgiveness.
Friend gave in.
Back to work, coffee ring on desk.
Punished the evil perpetrator.
No 36: Help!
Found a totally rare old Beatles 45 single today.
Problem was the man in the shop wouldn’t sell it to me.
Said it was here when he bought the second-hand record shop and no way should the two be separated.
Kept upping the price.
No 37: Blam!
Arnie Schwarzenegger – grouchy old Vietnam vet with huge gun.
Won’t give up home for hospital development.
Trucks, tanks, planes, helicopters, SWAT teams – all blown to a million pieces in slowmotion.
Then Leo DiCaprio snuck in back door, hit him with a copy of Inception.
No 38: Uncorked
At friend’s party and they have so much wine!
Drank a load which was okay then found better older stuff.
Had to drink that – so much better.
Kept comparing the two. Old wine, new wine. Old wine, new win. Ol wi ne wi
Yep, difenutelee olll winnnne betttteeee
No 39: Complex
Finished at last.
Brand new set of buildings.
Should be great, perfect for storage.
How many have I got now?
Must be fifty. Maybe sixty.
I’ll never use them all, but that’s not the point.
Need to keep them tucked away.
What’s that pain in my chest?
No 40: Persistence
Driving back from late night gig.
Mumford & Sons, brilliant.
Car not brilliant.
Walked to mate’s house, good with cars.
Not good with friends waking him up after midnight.
Swore a lot.
Told me to… go away.
Two hours later he gave in and helped me.
No 41: Sandwiches
Stubbed toes, people walking into walls, bloodied noses.
Cliff edge, bodies tumbling.
Thuds in the darkness.
Arms out like zombies, sightless, stumbling into oblivion.
Bodies piling like sandwiches.
Same dream again.
And I’m doing that old thing.
Dousing the pyre, burying the torches.
Hiding all the lights.
Can’t help it.
No 42: YouTube
Posted a clip on YouTube.
Three years ago.
Used to check it once, maybe twice a week.
A few thousand.
Forgot about it.
Other things to do.
Checked it again recently.
How’s that happen?
How come I do nothing and it grows?
Life of its own.
No 43: Pardon
Just seen Generic Derek.
Says we both owe him.
You £5, me £5,000.
Don’t know about you but I might ask him to forget it.
He’s filthy rich.
I know £5 is nothing for you, but it’s £5 grand for me!
Both ask he might agree.
I’d be well grateful.
No 44: Cropped
Watched a weird farmer today.
Drove his tractor down the high street, sprinkling seeds everywhere.
Shoppers ran like blazes, toddlers nearly mowed down.
Don’t know what he expected to achieve.
Most of the seed got trampled in the panic.
Plenty ended up in bins.
Some on grassy verges.
No 45: Speck
Laughed like mad when a friend came out of the
loo at a party with half a mile of
loo roll trailing from her shoe.
Didn’t tell her for ages, was too much fun.
Didn’t laugh later when I got home and found
the used tampon glued to my backside.
No 46: Neighbour
Saw a guy strapped for cash outside the station.
Needed a ticket to get home.
Didn’t stop to help him in case I missed my train.
Train delayed but still didn’t go to help.
Then got mugged on deserted platform.
Guess who came into the station to help me out?
No 47: Splash
Lost my iphone. Searched all day for it.
Couldn’t find it anywhere.
Pulled apart the sofa.
Took cupboards to pieces
Ripped up carpets and floorboards..
Found it in the loo. Fallen in there last time I went.
Overjoyed. Threw awesome party. Two other people dropped their phones in the loo.
No 48: Vavoom!
Just met best car park attendant in the world.
Left car. Vandals pitched up, he fought them off.
One of them nicked car, so he chased after them.
Jumped on bonnet, rescued car. Threw them out.
Drove it back. Repaired broken window. Re-sprayed body.
Cleaned and polished it.Top dude.
No 49. Duh!
Built house really quick.
Couldn’t understand why it took the other guy so long.
Cut to twenty four hours later.
Him – enjoying tea and toast in front of The Weakest Link.
Me – sitting in the ruins of my squalid wreck.
All sand and broken glass.
I am the weakest link.
No 50. Sniggering
Had one of those dreams last night when you go to party having forgotten to
dress properly. No clothes at all in fact.
Swanned about naked for a while waiting to wake up.
Weird looks and plenty of comments.
Then discovered it wasn’t a dream.