The Fun Dust Bible: Part One

A little bit mad, a little bit anarchic, but hopefully unexpected and engaging…

Part One: The Bit Where Fun Dust is Born
The door creaked open, dust filled the air, moths fluttered about. Cobwebs draped like curtains across the windows, and spiders had made little beds out of the dust piles, with dead woodlice as pillows, and were dozing on top of them. At the front of the church there in the semi-darkness, a priest was talking from a pulpit. He looked sad and tired, because all the congregation were fast asleep. Some snored, some whistled old Boy Band tunes as they breathed out. Some licked their lips, obviously eating something very tasty in their dreams. Some had brought hammocks to church so they could be more comfortable, some had inflatable cushions for their heads and still others had duvets and electric blankets. In the background the priest kept on talking but it was hard to hear over the snores and whistles and sighs. Jed and Yolanda closed the door quietly and stood outside on the old stone church steps. They dropped down and sat looking worried.
‘There must be something we can do,’ said Yolanda, ‘to perk it all up a bit.’
‘I’ve got that giant whoopee cushion,’ said Jed.
‘No, we need something more sophisticated,’ said Yolanda.
‘How about we fill the after-church tea pots with green goo?’ said Jed.
‘Ooh I like that! Or we could cling film all the doorways?’
‘Or… or… or…’ Jed’s eyes gleamed like big shiny bright things, ‘we could finish off our latest invention!’
‘Ooh you mean those exploding underpants, we could put them on the priest?’
‘No,’ said Jed, ‘that other invention.’
‘What? The hymn books full of boxing gloves on springs?’
‘No!’ said Jed. ‘I’m talking about that new Fun Dust recipe!’
‘Oh yes! Brilliant idea! … er what is that again?’
‘You remember, we sprinkle it in the air and when it settles on the nearest Bible…’
‘Oh yea! That’s bonkernuts! How close are we to finishing it?’
‘Close. We’ve mixed together the cheesy scrapings from my granddad’s feet, the dog drool from your Basset hound Mr Droopy, the nail clippings from your uncle’s ferret… all we need now is the leftover stinky juice from last Christmas’s Brussels sprouts that my aunt keeps in a pot under her bed. Once we mix that in we just need to microwave the lot and put it through a cheese-grater… oh and then add that secret final ingredient….’

And so they snuck home and put the finishing touches to an idea that seemed bonkernuts to them, but might not seem so bonkernuts to the people in church. They might well have preferred the boxing gloves on springs, or the priest’s exploding pants… but that’s not this story. In this story Yolanda and Jed waited until the following Sunday and folks were dozing off again, then they snuck in disguised as a couple of dozing teenagers covered in cobwebs and dead flies, grabbed two handfuls of Fun Dust and threw them up in the air. The dust sparkled in the streams of sunlight, then little by little wafted down until one tiny speck of Fun Dust landed on an open Bible. Then BOOM! There was a roar and a huge giant shot up off the page. Fifteen people woke up and fell on the floor. Another five stood up thinking it was time to go home. Two more started singing and one tried to take up the collection. But sooner or later everyone stared wide-eyed at the giant who was hissing and growling at them with the worst breath in the world… (to be continued)

To read part two click here.

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