A little bit mad, a little bit anarchic, but hopefully unexpected and engaging…
(If you missed part one, click here)
Part Two: The Bit with the Giant
The giant had huge metal-looking teeth and fists like humongous rocks. He stood at the front and smashed one of his hands on the lectern. A million, billion, gazillion tiny specks of church dust rose up and in that one single moment everyone gasped as they realised that Rihanna the cleaner had been nipping off to the cinema to eat fizzy coke bottles and watch Marvel movies when she should have been wafting a duster about on a Friday afternoon. The noise of the giant’s hand slap was so great that even the spiders awoke, shook their heads and sat up, and a few of the dead woodlice who had been doubling as pillows for them, blinked and sneezed and yawned their way back to life, it was such a shocking thing.
The giant opened his mouth to roar but his throat was a bit dry so it came out like a kitten whose voice had just broken purring, so he took a sip of the vicar’s water and discovered it was three month’s old; so he spat it into the air and caught it in his coat pocket. For which he got a round of applause. That almost made him forget to be scary, but then he remembered, roared and sent three short-sighted church mice skittering up the clock which hadn’t worked since the days when that nursery rhyme had first been written.
‘Listen!’ he yelled, and he started saying ‘Fee Fi Fo Fum,’ but then realised this wasn’t that story… ‘Listen, you lot are all dead! I know you look pretty lifeless already, but now I’m here you will be no more, you will be ex-people.’ And he threw back his head and laughed like a drain, which was a strange noise as no one had ever heard a drain laugh before.
Suddenly there was another voice. It wasn’t the vicar, (he was too busy wondering if there would still be time for his 90 minute sermon) or the woodlice, who might have woken up but still couldn’t impersonate a human being. No, the voice was coming from the rippling pages of the Bible, the one still covered with a fine layer of Fun Dust.
‘Oh no you don’t!’ said the pages.
‘Oh yes I do!’ said the giant.
‘Oh no you d…’
The rest was drowned out as everyone thought they were at a pantomime and started to join in.
This made the giant really angry and he bared his metal-looking teeth even more and smashed his humongous rock like fist on the nearest pile of hymn books. This made everyone gasp as they noticed the books weren’t all facing the same way and it was clear that Beyonce the book tidier was actually nipping off down the ice cream place for a mountain of Ben and Jerry’s Rocky Road and Key Lime pie on a Thursday morning instead of tidying the books.
Suddenly there was the sound of a yawn and a splurt and a small teenager shot out of the Bible and flew right up in the air, swinging a catapult as he came. The giant pulled back his head and got ready to head-butt the youngster, but before he could a rock came flying out of nowhere (actually it wasn’t nowhere, it was from the boy’s catapult, but the giant didn’t know that) and he head-butted the rock, which gave him an ever so nasty little bruise and a bit of a headache… as well as splitting his skull open and killing him for good. Bang!!! The whole church shook as he crashed to the ground in a cloud of grit and dirt and moths, and everyone gasped as they realised that Drake the carpet cleaner had been nipping off down to the wool shop on a Wednesday to do some knitting instead of hoovering the old church carpet. The giant lay dead, the teenager landed like a ballerina with a deadly sling (but not in tights) as he glided down and came to rest with one foot on the giant’s chest.
‘HI, I’m David,’ he said.
Everyone clapped. So he told them, ‘Enough already!’ I didn’t do this on my own own, ya know. I had help.’ And he pointed up.
‘What – from the vampire bats up in the roof?’ everyone said in perfect unison.
‘No! From the one who made bats… and spiders… and woodlice and giants. He helped me. So get over it and chew on it like a piece of Marmite-flavoured gum! Bye for now!’
And he was gone, off to check his ancient, wooden, mobile, Old Testament phone. And everyone stared at the body on the carpet, which was so horrible it was already starting to smell. Jed and Yolanda high-fived each other and wondered what might happen next time they snuck into church with a handful of their Fun Dust… (to be continued)
(To read part three, click here)