The Fun Dust Bible: Part Seven

A little bit mad, a little bit anarchic, but hopefully unexpected and engaging…

(If you missed part six, click here)

Part Seven: The Bit with the Boat
The pages of the big Bible began to flutter and make the sound of rippling. Just like water lapping on the beach. At first no one really noticed. They were too busy yawning, rearranging their duvets, mumbling in their sleep, and ordering extra fries in their dreams. But the fluttering grew louder and began to sound like crashing waves. ‘Shush!’ someone called out as the noise was starting to wake them and disturb their peaceful time in church. The priest was trying to lead the service but he paused as a drop of water dripped onto his head. He looked up and a second drop landed right in his eye. Then a third drop splashed on his nose, ran down his chin, drew the shape of the Statue of Liberty on his Adam’s apple then disappeared into his cassock. Meanwhile the sound of the waves grew louder, and a spray of surf exploded from the Bible all over the snoring pensioners in the front pew. They leapt up, sang Land of Hope and Glory then sat down again and hummed the theme tune to Coronation Street. More water came splashing out followed by a seagull then there was the sound of a cork popping and a gigantic boat surged off the pages and plopped into the aisle. It was accompanied with the sound of lions roaring, monkeys chattering, hyenas laughing, and snakes hissing. Seconds later an epic wave appeared carrying man surfing on the back of a black-eyed shark. ‘Out of the way!’’ he called in case anyone was bothered enough to stand in his way. But no one was. Jed and Yolanda were watching at the back, having lobbed a handful of Fun Dust across the church again.
‘I’m after that boat!’ the man yelled, ‘that one there!’ And he waved his arms at the noisy runaway boat, just in case anyone hadn’t spotted it. ‘I fell off when one of my Llamas spat at me.’
He batted at the water with his right foot whole tottering on his left on the shark. The water carried them and the boat around the church, whilst one or two adventurous ten year olds leapt onto the deck of the boat.
‘Careful, it’s floating zoo!’ the man called.
And the ten-year-olds turned to see a huge gorilla walking along the deck towards them.
‘I’m saving them all,’ the man called and the priest suddenly snapped his fingers, though no one would have heard with all the other noise going on, he looked as if he was miming snapping his fingers really.
‘Noah!’ the priest called, and suddenly everything froze in mind-air. The boat, the shark, the waves and the surfing man. ‘It’s you isn’t it?’ said the priest. ‘You’re Noah!’
‘Do I know you?’ said Noah.
‘No, but we know you, you’ve gone down in history.’
‘What for,’ asked Noah. Then he looked at the boat and the waves and the animals and said. ‘Oh right, I see.’
‘You’re a hero,’ said the priest.
Noah looked embarrassed and said, ‘Dunno about that, but I’ll tell you something, I think that gorilla’s about to juggle with those ten-year-olds! Dave! Don’t do that! Put them down! Now!’
Dave the gorilla took a look at the children in his hands and wondered whether to be nice or not, he was after all in a church. The home of niceness… (to be continued)

To have a look at the whole book for £2.75 – click here

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